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Hillary Clinton Vows to Court Biracial Vote in New Hampshire
Jan 5, 2008, 09:15
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CORNISH, N.H. – Hillary Clinton told customers at a local diner this morning that she regrets not being “more aggressive” in courting the biracial vote during the year-and-a-half run up to the Iowa presidential caucuses.

“We underestimated the potential of the biracial vote in Iowa,” said Ms. Clinton. “We didn’t reach out to people of mixed racial backgrounds, and as a consequence they supported Senator Obama by default. We won’t make that mistake in New Hampshire.”

After pausing to adjust her Aunt Jemima cap, Senator Clinton asked a waitress, “Can a sister get some ham hocks and grits around here?”

Senator Clinton wasn’t alone in underestimating the strength of the biracial vote in Iowa. Even rival Barack Obama, a genuine biracial candidate, elected to chase the black vote in Iowa by positioning himself as the first serious black presidential candidate—the political equivalent of actor Will Smith, who manages to pass for black while not frightening white people.

“The politics of change include people of all racial backgrounds,” said Senator Obama’s campaign manager, Latoya St. James. “When Barack Obama becomes the first black American president, he will still be half white, and he won’t forget where he came from.”


In other news, a representative for Lindsay Lohan said the actress is “mortified” by images of her swigging champagne from a bottle on New Year’s Eve.

“Lindsay realizes she can’t drink straight from the bottle the way she used to,” said the representative. “She called her sponsor right after the incident, and she’s determined it won’t happen again.”

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.