You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Britney Spears Has Klaus Harmony on Her iPod
Jan 6, 2007, 03:31
LOS ANGELES - If Britney Spears' finds her way back to the top of the pop music heap, she can thank Klaus Harmony, a German musician, for giving her a leg up. Known as the Mozart of Porn, Mr. Harmony was a pop star and celebrated composer of scores for erotic films who died mysteriously in London in 1984 at the age of forty-three.
"Oh, he's definitely hot," said Ms. Spears, sounding like her former BFF Paris Hilton. "I've got a bunch of his stuff on my iPod, including 'Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me' and 'Soft Jesus, Heavy Judas.' I listen to them all the time. I didn't know an accordion could be so sexy. He definitely inspires me."
According to Wikipedia, the English version, Klaus Harmony was a promising cabaret performer when he formed a pop group, Accordion Pete & the Accordion Boys, in 1962. When music critics called his style "too theatrical," Mr. Harmony formed another group, The Accordion Boy & His Pop Beat Combo Chums, whose aforementioned 'Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me' was a number one single in the UK.
After two personal tragedies that would have devastated most bands, The Pop Beat Combo Chums, who were calling themselves Kinky Roosevelt by then, split up in 1968. Subsequently Mr. Harmony moved to Utrecht, where he met fledgling film director, Friedrich Wohlfäht, a member of the new Erotik expressionist movement.
Klaus Harmony (1941-1984)
The two became fast friends, and they collaborated on nine films, among them the highly controversial Die Sins des Apostles (1972), a depiction of Christ's disciples pursuing knowledge of god through sexual union.
In 1984 Mr. Harmony was killed in an unexplained explosion at a used record store in London's east end. Lack of evidence led some to speculate that the composer did not perish—and others to claim that he did not exist at all.
When Ms. Spears was asked how she had discovered the work of Klaus Harmony, she hesitated before answering.
"I hope the press doesn't exaggerate this they way they exaggerate everything I do, but one night a friend brought over this movie called Rumpenmeister. It was kinda gross, a lot of the actors didn't even wear underwear, but the music was cool, and I found myself humming snatches of it at the weirdest times. So I had somebody check Klaus out for me."
Before ringing off—"It's hard to drive while you're talkin' on a cell phone with a baby on your lap," laughed Ms. Spears—the once and future pop princess revealed that the first single off her new album just might be a cover of "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me."
In other entertainment news, Lindsay Lohan says she owes her life to the appendix donor "whose organ gift saved me after my appendix went bad."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
