Britney Spears Released from Hospital After Son Takes Her Hostage
Jan 6, 2008, 09:35
"I'll get that bitch if it's the last thing I do."
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears was released from the hospital Saturday, a little more than twenty-four hours after being admitted. The beloved pop star had been rushed to Cedars Sinai Medical Center following a tense night in which she had been held hostage in her home by her football-headed son, Jayden James.
Reportedly, when the fifteen-month-old Jayden was about to leave the pop princess' house Thursday, he lured his mother into a room with gin and licorice and then managed to turn the dead bolt. The confused Spears, under the influence of cheap booze and candy, was unable to open the door. A hostage situation quickly developed.
When police arrived, Jayden, who had publicly referred to his mother as "a vile and loathsome whore whose mere existence makes me want to pluck out my eyes with a dull fork," gave them a list of demands.
He wants to be placed with an African family in the hope that he will eventually be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
“When I suck on Angie's tits, I won't have to go through eight inches of silicon to get to the good stuff,” he said.
Jayden also demanded gene therapy because his parents’ lack of singing, dancing, social, and employment skills will eventually make it impossible for him to either work or be a contestant on American Idol.
According to Jayden, the standoff ended when “I crapped myself. Everybody knows my tramp mother won't go within a hundred feet of my bowel movements.”
Jayden's mustache has been a source of conflict between him and his mother.
Instead Ms. Spears, on an alcohol and sugar high, stripped down and began to reenact her “Gimme More" performance from the MTV awards. Within seconds Jayden opened the door and surrendered to police
Jayden has been ordered to stay away from his mother until mid-January because he made terroristic threats as he was being carried away by the police in tiny handcuffs.
“I swear I’ll rid the world of my loathsome, fat, bottle-blond-excuse-for-a-whore mother if it’s the thing I do," he screamed.
In related news, Dr. Phil paid an unannounced visit to Britney Spears as she was preparing to leave hospital yesterday. Ms. Spears, who did not recognize the celebrity quack, called security to complain about “this fat shit who’s hanging around my room.”
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