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Britney Spears Released from Hospital After Son Takes Her Hostage
Jan 6, 2008, 09:35
"I'll get that bitch if it's the last thing I do."
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears was released from the hospital Saturday, a little more than twenty-four hours after being admitted. The beloved pop star had been rushed to Cedars Sinai Medical Center following a tense night in which she had been held hostage in her home by her football-headed son, Jayden James.
Reportedly, when the fifteen-month-old Jayden was about to leave the pop princess' house Thursday, he lured his mother into a room with gin and licorice and then managed to turn the dead bolt. The confused Spears, under the influence of cheap booze and candy, was unable to open the door. A hostage situation quickly developed.
When police arrived, Jayden, who had publicly referred to his mother as "a vile and loathsome whore whose mere existence makes me want to pluck out my eyes with a dull fork," gave them a list of demands.
He wants to be placed with an African family in the hope that he will eventually be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
"When I suck on Angie's tits, I won't have to go through eight inches of silicon to get to the good stuff," he said.
Jayden also demanded gene therapy because his parents' lack of singing, dancing, social, and employment skills will eventually make it impossible for him either to work or to be a contestant on American Idol.
According to Jayden, the standoff ended when "I crapped myself. Everybody knows my tramp mother won't go within a hundred feet of my bowel movements."
Jayden's mustache has been a source of conflict between him and his mother.
Instead Ms. Spears, on an alcohol and sugar high, stripped down and began to reenact her "Gimme More" performance from the MTV awards. Within seconds Jayden opened the door and surrendered to police
Jayden has been ordered to stay away from his mother until mid-January because he made terroristic threats as he was being carried away by the police in tiny handcuffs.
"I swear I'll rid the world of my loathsome, fat, bottle-blond-excuse-for-a-whore mother if it's the thing I do," he screamed.
In related news, Dr. Phil paid an unannounced visit to Britney Spears as she was preparing to leave hospital yesterday. Ms. Spears, who did not recognize the celebrity shrink, called security to complain about "this fat shit who's hanging around my room."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
