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God Says Pat Robertson Is Suffering from Brain Disease
Jan 7, 2006, 09:45
VIRGINIA BEACH, Vir. - According to the Lord God Almighty, Pat Robertson, founder of television's The 700 Club, is suffering from a brain disease called ponyitus. In a conference call to religious leaders and medical experts, God expressed "frustration" with Robertson's "increasingly hysterical proclamations made on My behalf."
Although God denied smiting Robinson for falsely attributing vengeful actions to the Almighty, He said, "It sometimes takes the patience of Job not to set that fool's hair on fire."
Known among lay persons as "horse's-ass disease," ponyitus usually presents when people are put in highly stressful situations such as driving during rush hour, waiting in a long line at Outback Steak, winning a contested election, or having to fill up time on a television broadcast.
Mr. Robertson first showed symptoms of ponyitus in 2001, when he and fellow sufferer Jerry Fallwell suggested that the World Trade Center disaster was a sign of God's displeasure with America's sinful ways, especially rap music, exposed navels, and homosexuality.
Robertson's advisors feared that such analysis, while appealing to his base, might affect contributions from less rabid Christians. Robertson, therefore, reluctantly agreed to take medication to control his ponyitus.
Pat Robertson once claimed that God had told him to exterminate obese people.
"We thought we had Pat under control for a while," said a former 700 Club member, who wished to remain anonymous, "but Pat's call for the systematic elimination of obese people—and his recent claim that God had visited his wrath upon Ariel Sharon for dividing the holy land—are sure signs that Pat's ponyitus has gotten out of control again."
Leonard H. McCoy, M.D., disagrees.
"I suspect that what we're really seeing is the result of Pat's increasing his medications without consulting with his doctors," said Dr. McCoy. "The same thing happened when Rush Limbaugh self-medicated with OxyContin and wound up calling for the assassination of Donovan McNabb.
Ponyitus is normally treated with a prescription medication called Screwidol, which is manufactured by Merck pharmaceuticals. Taken in the proper dosage, Screwidol relieves the symptoms of ponyitus by relaxing the blood flow to the brain just enough to ease the pressure on the cerebral cortex. This, in turn, results for clearer thinking.
"It works kind of like marijuana," said Dr. McCoy. "Except that it doesn't smell as bad and you don't have the urge to eat a bag of Doritos, so you don't get anything like the weight gain that you get with pot."
Dr. McCoy warns that there are some side effects with Screwidol. Chief among them is diarrhea of the mouth, which can lead to a droopy face, an annoying simpering expression, and big eye.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
