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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Angelina Jolie Offended by Virgin Mary Wal-Mart Painting Jan 7, 2007 - 4:07
LOS ANGELES - Angelina Jolie is offended by a painting that depicts her as the Virgin Mary hovering in a cloud over a Wal-Mart checkout line. The painting, called "Twelve Items or Less," was executed by Kate Kretz, an obscure North Carolina artist best known until now for her painting of Richard Petty hovering in a cloud over the infield at Dover Downs Raceway.
The painting—acrylic and oil on linen—depicts an angelic Jolie walking on clouds, holding her newborn daughter, Shiloh. Meanwhile, her adopted children, Maddox and Zahara, stand at either side of her, clutching her virgin blue gown. The older children are naked but for their wings. Below the holy trinity is a Wal-Mart checkout line.
"The painting is laughable," said Ms. Jolie. "I've seen better 'art' for sale at gas stations or on those holy cards they give away at viewings. I bet the 'artist' does a mean picture of Jesus—you know, the kind where his eyes seem to follow you around the room."
Ms. Jolie's major complaint, however, is with the setting of "Twelve Items or Less."
"I've never been inside a Wal-Mart in my life," she sniffed. "I don't believe in supporting companies that depress wages artificially, exploit women, and drive out local competition. If that woman had painted me in a more representative setting—an orphanage in Calcutta or a workers' co-op in Costa Rica—I wouldn't have minded, but Wal-Mart? Give me a break."
Twelve Items or Less
While nobody has defended "Twelve Items or Less" as fine art, at least one observer thinks Ms. Jolie doth protest too much.
"Maybe Angelina doesn't shop in Wal-Mart," said Dr. Phil McGraw, "but a lot of her fan base does. Besides I think there are other issues at work here. Ms. Jolie certainly gives evidence of suffering from a chronic case of Madonna with Child Syndrome. The woman has not appeared in public without a baby on board in a long time.
"Obviously there is some deep-seated psychological need driving her behavior. I find it highly significant that as soon as Ms. Jolie finally let her adopted son, Maddox, walk on his own at the advanced age of four years, she adopted an infant girl and then had a backup baby of her own for good measure. Perhaps she doesn't like the painting because it hits too close to home."
Artist Kate Kretz, for her part, seems surprised at all the attention her painting has attracted. She told Popular Art magazine she is sorry if Ms. Jolie "doesn't get it." She also revealed that she wasn't going to let public reaction keep her from starting work on her next painting—Britney Spears and her two sons standing in a cloud over the food court in a California mall. After that she said she plans to return to her other loves, hair embroideries and psychological clothing.
In related news, Twelve Items or Less can be purchased for $50,000 through Chelsea Galleria in Miami, which represents Ms. Kretz.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).