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Clinton and Obama Agree to Bury Hatchet in One Another
Jan 18, 2008, 11:17
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NEW YORK - Both New York Senator Hilary Clinton and Illinois Senator Barack Obama have agreed to stop trading barbs over her likability and inexperience to lead and Obama’s drug use and the ineffectiveness of African Americans in bringing civil rights to their people.

Senator Clinton praised the roles of blacks in the civil rights movement today, saying: “Without black people who would white people have to save?” She went on to say that President Lincoln’s reputation would be tarnished if he had only been known for freeing the Irish.

Senator Obama apologized for saying Clinton is “likable enough.

“Senator Clinton is as likable as Larry Craig is gay. She may not be openly likable, but if you are alone with her in an airport restroom, she’s an absolute joy,” Obama said.

Former President Bill Clinton apologized for comparing Obama’s run to a fairy tale.

“As everyone knows, there are no Negroes in fairy tales,” he said. “No one ever read their children Uniqua and Gretal or The Three Little Pigs Who Busted the Crack House.”

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Senator Obama did say that having a former first lady as the country’s chief administrator would give the country an experienced, guiding hand, one that would know “exactly where the switch is to turn on the White House Christmas Tree so small children don’t have to stand unnecessarily in the cold.”

Aides to Senator Clinton have also apologized for alluding to Obama’s using drugs while the senator was gaining experience. Members of the Clinton staff have admitted that the only time they have known of Obama using drugs was when he complained to friends that former President Clinton was “Borgarting that joint” minutes before the young congressman’s keynote speech at the Democratic convention in 2004.

Both candidates also excused the other’s views of the war in Iraq. Obama said that Senator Clinton probably thought they would slap fight with pillows the way women do, while a Clinton spokesperson said that Obama’s upbringing had led him to believe that the war would end once someone sped by Saddam Hussein in a Hummer and put a cap in his ass.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.