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Naomi Campbell Sentenced to Tour of Beauty
Jan 19, 2007, 08:21
NEW YORK - After Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty this week to reckless assault in the third degree for injuring a former maid during an outburst of cell phone rage, it looked like bright orange jumpsuits and ankle bracelets where going to be all the rage come spring.
Not so fast, say lawyers for both sides, who have hammered out a deal that has the hotheaded supermodel giving up the front lines of fashion for the front lines of the war on terror.
Apparently what becomes a convicted catwalk legend most is cool camouflage, fierce fatigues, and a splash of Kevlar. Celebratty Chatter has learned that Ms. Campbell, 36, will soon be deployed to Baghdad to serve both her community service and her country.
But why forgo the usual punishment of highway garbage pick up and public toilet scrubbing?
"It's so been done already," says close friend and Vogue editor Anna Wintour. "I mean, did you see how unflattering that tangerine one-piece was on Boy George? Not only was this the perfect way to address those anger management issues, but military looks are really strong this season."
Lawyers for Ms. Campbell explained, "Naomi really wanted her sentence to involve international aid work, like the way Kate Moss has been helping all those farmers in Columbia.
"When the Army approached us, we were at bit apprehensive," the lawyers added, "but once Ms. Campbell heard that in Iraq she could use a semiautomatic and a rocket launcher, and could legally engage in hand-to-hand combat, she was in shock-and-awe heaven."
Sources at the Pentagon say the mounting resistance for the president's proposed surge is the real reason for the government's newfound passion for fashion.
"Let's face it," says one insider, "those additional troops are going to be hard to come by. We've been following this case pretty closely, and 20,000 troops is really equal to 500 troops plus one pissed off supermodel. She's really our secret weapon."
And what about the naysayers who claim this is just an excuse for a Vogue location shoot of Dolce and Gabbana cargos and Burberry cropped trench coats?
"Baghdad fashion week this ain't," insists Iraq top commander Lt. General George Casey, who described how Ms. Campbell has already proved herself a valuable asset.
"It's all in the motivation. We'll just tell her she's been waitlisted for the new Fendi Spy Bag and then let her loose in Tikrit. It'll be like Nam."
Another top sergeant told a similar story. "We'll give her sparkling water instead of flat, then just stand back and watch the bodies mount. Sadir City has never looked so faaabulous!"
Reps for the combat catwalker insist this is also proving a perfect image makeover, pointing to a recent endorsement offer from apple chief Steve Jobs.
"He feels Naomi is perfect to show how the new iPhone is indestructible. Even after multiple throws she's still able to pick it up and say 'Can you hear me now, bitch!'"
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
