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Ted Nugent Shoots Himself in Mouth Again
Jan 20, 2007, 08:20
AUSTIN, Texas - Governor Rick Perry expressed shock today at the inflammatory public antics of Ted Nugent. Known as "The Motor City Madman," Nugent was the closing act at the Governor's Inaugural Ball this week. He appeared on stage at the black-tie gala in a cutoff T-shirt with a Confederate flag on it, brandishing machine guns and shouting offensive remarks about people who don't speak English.
"Never in a million years did I expect something outrageous from Ted Nugent," said Governor Perry. "He and I are old hunting buddies, and there's always been a sort of unspoken rule between us that what we say in the deer stand stays in the deer stand. I mean shee-it, I done told that Yankee redneck twice-t!"
A former Republican governor of Texas spoke to The Extrapolater about Nugent on conditions of strict anonymity:
"Sure, I know ol' Ted. Ted-arooni. Teddy Ruxpin. He's good folks. He just ain't quite figured out how to do what I did—go from being a northern-born outsider to an honorary redneck by borrowing a Texas accent. Sorry, I meant to say borrowin'.
"When are you going to learn to leave it in the deer stand, Ted?"
"George Allen taught us Republicans an important lesson in the last elections: you can say whatever you want when you're in with your own kind, as long as you button it up and act civilized when the microphone comes on.
"But hell, you know, Sweaty Teddy's a straight shooter, and I gotta respect him for that. If you put a muzzle on Ted Nugent, then the terrists have already won."
Tex "Bronco" Houston, president of the Texas Bowhunter's Association, cited a historical precedent of free speech in defense of Nugent.
"My granddaddy's granddaddy fought the Meskins in the Civil War, and he wasn't for or agin' no slaves. He done it so me and my own children could drink a bottle of moonshine, mebbe do a little dynamite fishin', and say whatever we want about whoever we want whenever we want. So all you liberals, Meskins, A-rabs, and little yeller people can kiss my flabby white butt."
When reached for comment, Nugent replied "WHOOOOOOOO! Motor City Madman!!!! Yeah!!! Yeah!!!! What?"
(Editor's note: We thank Extrapolater for filing this special report.)
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
