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Paula Abdul Suffering from Rare Disease
Jan 22, 2007, 07:52
LOS ANGELES - Paula Abdul, who is behaving queerly again during televised interviews, suffers from a rare disease that frequently makes her look and act as if she were on the last day of a three-day bender. According to the American Idol judge's private internist, Sydney Lumberra, M.D., Ms. Abdul is afflicted with paradoxical complex, simple regional-and-local pain syndrome (PCSRLPS).
Because little is known about this syndrome, Ms. Abdul has been treated for everything from Lyme disease to shingles, bubonic arthritis to gran pleneria loptosis, all without success. She has been given pain killers, mood elevators, anti-depressants, transdermal patches, medical marijuana, and industrial strength laxatives—each of which has altered her mind set at one time or another, Dr. Lumberra claimed.
When PCSRLPS strikes, the only effective way to lessen the ache in the affected region is by exercising that area regularly. This method of treatment can be a blessing or a curse. It was a blessing for Ms. Abdul when her legs began throbbing in her teen-age years and she used that pain as the motivation to become one of Hollywood's most accomplished dancers.
After years of dancing had finally left Ms. Abdul free of pain in her legs, she was stricken with a dull, persistent throbbing in her buttocks. To combat that feeling she sought a socially responsible activity that would require large amounts of sitting while still keeping her in the public eye. The America Idol show appeared to be a just what the doctor had ordered, until the pain began to migrate in a personal direction and Ms. Abdul had no recourse but to engage in sex three times a day—alone or with others—in order to free herself of pain.
"Paula confided this to (former Americal Idol contestant) Corey Clark, who told her he would always be there for her," said Dr. Lumberra, "but little did she know he meant that literally. He took advantage of her when she was at her most vulnerable. None of the other people to whom Paula turned for help did that. As for Corey's threatening to describe the genital wart she has in the shape of Mr. Peanut, the less said about that the better."
After her medicinal affair with Mr. Clark in 2003, Ms. Abdul tried experimental medication, which left her pain-free but which also brought on bouts of irrationality. During one of these bouts, in December 2004, she was driving on the L.A. freeway when she sideswiped another vehicle and sped away, something she swore she never would have done had it not been for the medication.
"I hope the public will be more understanding of Paula's behavior in the future," said Dr. Lumberra. "If she slurs her words, gives nonsensical answers to questions, drools, sways in her seat, bursts into laughter for no apparent reason, or soils herself, people shouldn't be so quick to conclude she's on the pipe."
In related news, American Idol judge Simon Cowell told reporters that his recent mockery of a former special Olympian who appeared on the show was not a side effect of the medication he takes to combat his Tourette's syndrome .
"I just enjoy being mean to fat shits, tards, and people who can't accessorize worth a fuck," laughed Mr. Cowell.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
