You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Mrs. Coffee Files for Divorce, Names Jennifer Aniston in Suit
Jan 24, 2006, 08:15
NEW YORK - Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston was named as "the principal contributing factor" in a divorce suit filed by Mrs. Coffee, wife of the popular coffee-making icon.
The Coffees' were married in 1973, the year Mr. Coffee skyrocketed to fame in the United States. Their marriage survived other disturbances, most notably Mr. Coffee's flirtation with Mrs. Tea in the 1980s, but according to a close friend of the couple, "There's real trouble brewing this time."
Ms. Aniston met Mr. Coffee in the appliance section of a store in Malibu last spring. She allegedly turned to him for comfort as she struggled with depression after she had been tossed aside by her husband, Brad Pitt, who has been linked romantically with Angelina Jolie.
Jennifer Aniston at Sundance with her favorite beverage.
"Jen did spend a lot of time with Mr. Coffee," said Ms. Aniston's best friend, Courteney Cox Arquette, "but their relationship was strictly platonic. I don't think it constitutes grounds for divorce."
"That sounds like an instant defense," said Mrs. Coffee's attorney, Jose Arabica. "Ms. Aniston's own statements last summer indicate that she was more than 'just friends' with Mr. Coffee."
Ms. Aniston did, in fact, tell Vanity Fair that when she needed companionship, she liked nothing better than to "get next to Mr. Coffee and push his buttons. He never lets me down."
In other news, Mischa Barton, who turns twenty today, will publish her memoirs this summer.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
