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Bindi Irwin's Brother, Bob, Hires Agent
Jan 25, 2007, 09:01
Bob Irwin in happier times.
LOS ANGELES - Bindi Irwin's brother, Bob, disturbed by the recent triumph of his sister on her first tour of America, has hired top Hollywood publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick to represent him.
Young Mister Irwin, 3, is the only son of the late animal botherer Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, who died last September after taking one in the heart from a pregnant sting ray he had been stalking off the coast of Australia.
Since Steve Irwin's death his other child, Bindi, 8, has been pushed on stage by her mother, Terri, to inform audiences, "I'm going to become a wildlife warrior just like my dad." The result has been her own television series, CD, fragrance, and a continuing stream of money into the Irwin family's coffers.
Despite the smooth-running progress of the Irwins' feel-good parade, however, not everyone is happy back at the family's Australia Zoo and National Shrine in Queensland, and the discontent is not confined to the animals held captive there.
"Bob feels, and rightly so, that his sister is stealing his birthright," said Ms. Sloane Zelnick in an exclusive interview with THEM Weekly. "'Who the hell died and left her boss?' That's his attitude."
Bob Irwin was introduced to crocodiles at age of one month. In a stunt that drew fire from child welfare groups, his father, Steve, fed a crocodile with one hand while cradling Bob in the other in front of a horrified audience. Bob's mother Terri, instead of giving her husband a slap upside the head, defended his behavior.
"Crickey, Bob. Look at the teeth on that sucker."
"It was a wonderful sensory experience for the baby," she cooed. "He dug it."
Although Ms. Sloane Zelnick would not discuss all the details of the campaign she's putting together for young Mr. Irwin, she insisted it will be age appropriate and tasteful, "unlike some kiddy-star campaigns that trade on prepubescent sexual innuendo."
When asked what sort of campaign is age appropriate for a three year old, Ms. Sloane Zelnick replied, "For starters, we're not going to refer to Bob as 'Crocodile Hunter Junior.' He wants to be known as 'Gecko Hunter' until he grows up and progresses to larger, more dangerous animals."
Ms. Sloane Zelnick also revealed that Bob Irwin is "a far better performer" than his big sister.
"Wait until you see his first video, a hip-hop remake of the Rolling Stones' 'Under My Thumb,'" she enthused. "It's hot. He doesn't do pathetic rip offs of the Wiggles or lame Crowded House ballads that make even Paul McCartney cringe. This boy's the real package."
According to Ms. Sloane-Zelnick, the Bob's Your Uncle invasion begins April 30, when young Mr. Irwin appears on the Jimmy Kimmel show. From there he flies to Philadelphia, where he will open for the Scissor Sisters at the Electric Factory on March 2.
In related news, Terri Irwin rubished reports that her son wants to change his first name to Steve legally.
"I'd never stand by and let one of my kids exploit this family and what it stands for merely to make a buck," she huffed.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
