You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Barbaro, Exhausted by Cliches, Gives Up the Good Fight
Jan 30, 2007, 09:22
KENNETT SQUARE, Penna. - Barbaro had the heart of a champion, an iron-clad will, and a look in his eye that said he knew how special he was, but in the end the cliches proved too much for even such a gallant warrior as he.
For 254 days the game runner fought back valiantly against overwhelming odds following his devastating injury in last year's Preakness, but he was shadowed by a ruthless killer he was powerless to outrun: the sports writer's cliche.
Barbaro was euthanized early Monday morning in a state-of-the-art facility nestled in the rolling hills near this bucolic village while dozens of his devoted fans who had kept an overnight vigil outside quietly sang Dan Fogelberg's classic "Run for the Roses."
"We did everything we could to protect him," said Barbaro's Hollywood-handsome surgeon, Dean Richardson, VMD, "but in the end the weight of all those cliches was too much for him to bear. The adjective is always the enemy of the noun."
Barbaro's story transcended sports and galvanized a war-weary nation. Prior to his awe-inspiring run in the Kentucky Derby last May, thoroughbred racing was seen as a haven for cigar-chomping old boors like Walter Matthau, dressed from head to toe in horse-blanket plaids. All that changed during the most scintillating two minutes in sports on the first Saturday in May 2006. Following Barbaro's domineering derby win that sun-dappled afternoon, the nation turned its lonely eyes toward the Preakness.
That nation's collective heart was broken as badly as Barbaro's right hind leg, but we hoped against hope that a medical miracle would save the life of this winged Pegasus. What hope we had began to flicker when Barbaro developed laminitis in his left hind leg.
Not even a protective sling could save Barbaro from the outrageous misfortunes of cliches.
"That frequently happens when an injured horse shifts his weight to relieve the burden from too many cliches," said Dr. Richardson.
Following an operation to save his left hind leg, Barbaro began shifting his weight back to his other injured hind leg, but still the cliches rained down like a fog of pearls, joined in their dastardly work by a welter of mixed metaphors—as though to add insult to injury.
Even the normally staid Washington Post chimed in with the following hyperventilation: "He obviously raced for pleasure, and he ran with such dynamic abandon that he made circling a track seem an impetuous act."
Predictably the plucky horse was soon shifting his weight to his front legs, which also required operations. That's when the light began to freeze in our hearts. We knew then it was only a matter of time marching on.
"In the end," as one sports writer so aptly observed, "Barbaro didn't have a leg to stand on."
In related news, florists in the Kennett Square area will be featuring Barbaro Bouquets of a dozen red roses this Valentine's day.
"The Big Guy was good for business," said one florist. "We're going to miss him."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
