You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Lindsay Lohan Hospitalized After Collapsing Under Weight of Teacpup
Jan 31, 2006, 06:05
LONDON - Lindsay Lohan was rushed to hospital after she had collapsed and fallen under the weight of a ceramic teacup as she was climbing the stairs at retired Canadian pop star Bryan Adams' mansion.
Ms. Lohan required ten stitches to close a wound in her right shin after she had landed on a piece of the shattered teacup. Police say they do not suspect that drugs or an eating disorder played a part in Ms. Lohan's mishap, but they have not yet ruled out the possibility that nudity may have been involved.
Ms. Lohan's mother, Dina, an aspiring Playboy playmate, told reporters, "Lindsay and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she went arse over teacup on the stairs."
Trevor Temple-West, the physician who attended Ms. Lohan, said that ordinarily a person who lands on a shard of a teacup would not require stitches to close the wound, but Ms. Lohan's "remarkably low percentage of body fat" makes her more susceptible to skin injury.
A friend who had accompanied Ms. Lohan to hospital said, "I told Lindsay not to carry the teacup up the stairs. She's not used to eating breakfast let alone making it for other people."
London's tabloid conscience, The Sun, reported that Mr. Adams, forty-six, has been carrying on a clandestine relationship with Ms. Lohan, nineteen, for the last several years.
"Dina Lohan, that leathery presence in her daughter's life, is merely a beard in a pathetic attempt to conceal the romance between Mr. Adams and Lindsay Lohan," wrote The Sun.
Mr. Adams, an honorary member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, is best known for his 1985 hit, "Summer of '69," in which the singer reminisces about buying his first guitar, starting a band, and "standing on [his girlfriend's] momma's porch." The song became Mr. Adams' most widely ridiculed when people realized he was only nine years old in the summer of 1969. Mr. Adams then took to claiming, when he introduced the song in concerts, that he was not singing about the year '69.
Next Oprah: Is Lindsay Lohan Her Generation's Elizabeth Taylor?
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
