You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jessica Simpson Flubs John Mayer Lyrics at Concert
Jan 31, 2007, 09:25
MIAMI - Poor Jessica Simpson. Language just doesn't seem to be her strong suit. The Employee of the Month star was dancing in the wings at a John Mayer concert this week, singing along happily while her newest beau entertained cheering fans. Trouble was, she got many of the lyrics wrong.
"It was a hoot," said one of Mr. Mayer's roadies, who understandably asked not to be identified.
"When he got to the part in 'Good Love Is on the Way' where he sings 'You can take all the tricks up my sleeve, I don't need them anymore,' Jessica sang, 'You can't fake all the tricks; I believe guys don't need them plenty more.'
"Then, during 'Wait Until Tomorrow' instead of singing, 'Now I'm standing here like some turned down serenading fool,' she was singing 'I'm landing here like some burned down panty-raiding tool.'
"She was so bad we were laughing about setting up a monitor for her to read the lyrics from, but then somebody remembered she can't read for shit either. You ought to see how fast John changes the subject whenever she asks if she can sing on stage with him."
Ms. Simpson's language problems have caused her difficulty in the past. During the taping of a live tribute to Dolly Parton at the Kennedy Center on December 3, she turned "Yawnin', stretchin', try to come to life" into "Bonin' gets me stretchin', try to cum, alright!"
After the rest of the Parton tribute show had proceeded without incident, producer George Stevens asked Ms. Simpson if she wanted a mulligan, but she replied, "No thanks. I ain't hungry."
In related news, Billy Joel and his latest twenty-three-year-old wife also attended the John Mayer concert at the BankUnited Center, but they went unrecognized until Mr. Joel backed into a car and sideswiped another as he was trying to leave the parking lot.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
