You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Quiz
Feb 3, 2006, 09:19
LOS ANGELES - The feeding frenzy for the latest dish about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is threatening to overwhelm the golden couple. Although it may be impossible to be too thin or too rich, the Brangelina phenomenon, which is now bigger than the sum of its parts, may prove it is possible to be too famous.
Imagine if your every visit with a foreign head of state, your every arrival at an airport, your every walk on a secluded beach in Africa were recorded by a buzzing swarm of photographers with unfortunate facial hair and KMart taste in clothes. Your publicist would sound frazzled, too.
"We are not talking about it," said Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, who has taken to speaking in the Royal We and the ineluctable it of late. "We don't want any more stories. We don't want any more photographs. We just want people to leave them alone."
Ms. Guagenti did not, however, say "we" don't want any more Brangelina quizzes. In fact, what this entire food fight needs are more opportunities for people to digest the news they've already consumed. To facilitate that process, Postcards from the Pug Bus presents its first, and perhaps last, Brangelina quiz.
1. Angelina Jolie is expecting . . .
a) a boy
b) a girl
c) twins
d) rain
2. Angelina Jolie got pregnant in . . .
a) Canada
b) an airplane
c) the missionary position
d) self-defense
3. Brad and Angelina will be married on . . .
a) Valentine's day
b) his birthday
c) her birthday
d) Bastille day
4. Brad and Angelina will be married in . . .
a) Malibu
b) George Clooney's villa
c) Jennifer Aniston's living room
d) they're already married
5. The best man at Brangelina's wedding will be (was) . . .
a) Guy Ritchie
b) Lionel Richie
c) George Clooney
d) Boy George
6. Angelina Jolie's ring contains . . .
a) a microchip
b) a drop of Brad Pitt's blood
c) a Swiss Army knife
d) a cell phone
7. The chef who will cater Brangelina's wedding is . . .
a) Jamie Oliver
b) Emeril Lagasse
c) Chef Boyardee
d) HIV positive
8. Angelina Jolie is a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations . . .
a) international cinema foundation
b) landmine cooperative
c) missing children's fund
d) refugee committee
9. Angelina Jolie plans to deliver her baby by . . .
a) Caesarian section
b) UPS
c) proxy
d) osmosis
10. The words tattooed on Angelina Jolie's Stomach—"quod me nutrit me destruit"—mean . . .
a) if it ain't broke, don't fix it
b) fool me once, shame on you
c) let sleeping dogs lie
d) so's your mother
11. Brad and Angelina will seal their union with . . .
a) a kiss
b) bodily fluids
c) wax
d) matching tattoos
12. Following the wedding, Brangelina will live in . . .
a) hiding
b) terror
c) denial
d) absentia
13. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie co-starred in . . .
a) War of the Roses
b) War of the Worlds
c) Mr. & Mrs. Smith
d) March of the Penguins
14. Brad Pitt was recently named the sexiest man on the planet by what magazine?
a) Popular Mechanics
b) Out
c) Cat Fancy
d) Car & Driver
15. Brad and Angelina have never admitted they are . . .
a) dating
b) gay
c) dyslexic
d) serious
Scoring
11-15 correct: you take meals and sex alone
6-10 correct: you need to spend more time out of doors
1-5 correct: you could almost care less about these boobs
0 correct: you couldn't care less about these boobs
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
