You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
God Scorns Windows Vista, Sues Microsoft
Feb 3, 2007, 12:34
HEAVEN - Windows Vista, Microsoft's controversial new operating system, has incurred the wrath of God. The Supreme Power User, operating through his purchasing agent, the Holy Spirit, was one of the first to buy Vista when it went on sale Tuesday. He paid $299 (US) for the Vista Ultimate upgrade, the most powerful of Vista's ten editions. The results were not pleasing in his sight.
"I've been a Windows guy from the days of 3.0," said God, "because, frankly, I find the attitude of those Mac heads a bit insufferable. My kid's a Mac head, but don't get me started on that.
"Anyway, I religiously bought all of Mr. Gates' upgrades, even that transparent money grab Windows ME; and I automatically installed all the service packs and patches, but this latest shell game is too much."
God, who said he has been "messing around with PCs since DOS was a puppy," wanted to install Vista Ultimate over his copy of Windows XP Professional, Service Pack 2.
"I needed to keep my old files, settings, and programs intact without going through the hassle of off-loading them, reformatting my hard drive, doing a clean install, then reinstalling my applications and data," said God. "Scarcely did I realize what Vista's little bit of eye candy would cost me."
Among the things that God didn't realize were the necessity of finding and installing Vista-compatible software drivers and, ultimately, of having to delete several programs, including Storm Tracker DeLuxe 8.1, that didn't function under the improved operating system.
"To make matters worse, after all that to-ing and fro-ing—plus a two-hour installation punctuated by half a dozen glacial reboots—my PC was running as though somebody had dipped the motherboard in molasses.
"Being in a New Testament mood, I figured I'd roll back Vista and just keep working in XP. There was some rough weather sneaking up on Florida that I needed to monitor, and I had already wasted a day on that Vista mess. So I called technical support—big mistake.
"I got some guy in New Delhi who barely spoke a word of English. Even I couldn't understand him, and I know my way around languages. When I asked to speak to his supervisor, he mumbled something and put me on hold. After what seemed like an eternity, the supervisor comes along and informs me that the copy of XP I had used to validate my Vista upgrade was no longer functional. I'd have to pay $150 for a reactivation license if I wanted to use it again.
"Meanwhile this wazzler storm barrels across Florida and kills nineteen people. I could have diverted it easily if there was a Vista-compatible driver available for Storm Tracker DeLuxe. That's when I decided to sue Microsoft."
In related news, God revealed that any proceeds resulting from his suit, which accuses Microsoft of impersonating a deity, will be donated to storm relief efforts.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
