You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Britney Spears Driver Safety Quiz
Feb 8, 2006, 07:55
HOLLYWOOD - Britney Spears responded angrily to "all y'all out there who falsely accused me of being irresponsible for not wearing a seat belt when I was teaching little Sean Preston how to steer."
In a message posted in the "Today's Truth" section of her website, Spears declared, "People shouldn't be so quick to point the finger of blame. The Bible says, 'Let him who is without fingers point first, but only after he has walked a mile in my Choos.'"
Spears then challenged "all the false tabloids and their followers out there who go around telling other people how to raise their babies" to take a driver's safety quiz. She said the quiz was designed to teach people "there isn't no one right way" to driving safety.
1. A driver should not have a baby on his/her lap unless . . .
a) the baby is fewer than eleven (11) months old
b) the driver is in a hurry to get to the mall
c) the person in the passenger seat is wearing a seat belt
d) the driver is teaching the baby how to steer
2. Which of the following signs is most important to driver safety?
a) a stop sign
b) a "mall entrance ahead" sign
c) Capricorn
d) a "valet parking" sign
3. If two vehicles are approaching an intersection at the same time, which vehicle has the right of way?
a) the darker one
b) the bigger one
c) the one with more people in it
d) the one whose driver puts the turn signal on first
4. A driver should always have his/her driver's license, owner's card and ________ in the vehicle.
a) cell phone
b) birth certificate
c) insurance card
d) credit card
5. On what side of the road do persons drive in the United States?
a) the far side
b) the side opposite Tara Reid
c) the side with the fewest cars
d) the side nearer the curb
6. A driver should never make a _____ turn from the right-hand lane.
a) U
b) sudden
c) 360-degree
d) left
7. In rainy and/or wet weather the distance required to bring a car to a full stop . . .
a) decreases
b) doesn't matter
c) changes from left to right
d) depends on how fast you're going
8. The law requires that all persons in a car be wearing . . .
a) shoes
b) underwear
c) some form of birth control
d) sunglasses
9. If the light turns yellow as a driver is approaching an intersection, the driver should . . .
a) accelerate
b) ask "is this where we turn?"
c) put down the cell phone
d) slam on the breaks
10. Which of the following is a required safety device?
a) an air bag
b) a Cheetos bag
c) a diaper bag
d) a Victoria's Secret bag
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
