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J.K. Rowling Coy about Leaked Harry Potter Ending
Feb 8, 2007, 07:54
LONDON - J.K. Rowling, author of the universally beloved Harry Potter series, confessed in a recent interview that she wrote the final book in that series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on a tight schedule in order to meet a July 2007 publication date.
"To be quite honest," she began, "I couldn't be arsed about writing the bloody thing until a couple of days before deadline. Then, because I didn't want to miss Gray's Anatomy, I actually didn't get started until the morning before the manuscript was due at the publishers. It took me a full twenty-four hours to get it done, but adrenaline and coffee got me through."
When asked if she was sad to be saying good-bye to her beloved characters, Rowling was subdued.
"Yeah, there may have been a few tears. Part of that was due to the power outage we had around 1:30 that morning. I lost about 152 pages and had to go back and rewrite them. That sucked. Other than that the whole thing went as smooth as shite through a goose."
Rowling's editor expressed shock that the final installment had been written in such a hurry, but the veteran author was unfazed.
"What does that twat know about writing? It's a simple bloody formula, innit? You have your Harry's-family-is-mean chapter, your Harry's- friends-rescue-him-and-take-him-off-to-Hogwart's chapter, then you throw in some Quidditch, Hagrid, and a new Dark Arts teacher, and voila, there's another billion pounds in my account at Barclay's."
Rowling refused to confirm or deny the veracity of a website claiming to have acquired a leaked excerpt of the final chapter. The fansite published the following paragraphs, proclaiming them "the most enthralling Potter yet!"
Harry rose from his chair, weary to the bone.
"Well, thanks again, Ron and Hermoine [sic]. I'm afraid this latest adventure has left me very, very, very, very, very, very, very, tired. I think I will go upstairs and try to get some rest."
Ron and Hermione gushed and simpered at one another like the two little poxy turds they were, and turned to go.
Hary [sic] climbed the steps, contemplating each one as he went. First he mounted the first step, followed eventually by step number two; then he wearily proceeded to step three and after that step four. Step five was dank. It rang with a hollow boom when Harry stepped upon it, but he was tired of fixing every little thing himself, so he proceeded to step six and beyond.
Safely ensconced in his room, the young wizard decided to eat a packet of Every Flavor Beans before bed. As he chewed a bean that exploded with the repulsive flavor of David Beckham's armpit, Harry perused the nutritional information on the back.
"Jelly, Artificial Color, Sugar, Clotting Agent, Aspartame, Spices," he read "Spices," he muttered. "There's the understatement of the century."
Then, suddenly and mysteriously, an asteroid screamed from the heavens and flattened the entire school. Killing everyone inside.
The End.
"If that is real, and I'm not saying it is," Rowling hedged, "well, that's a first draft, eh? I mean, should another author have written that particular bit of prose, she'd probably be planning to spend an afternoon revisin', as it were. Don't get the fanboys goin' all codswallop and mind-yer-bits-n'-pieces on me, eh wot?"
(Editor's note: We thank Extrapolater for filing this special report.)
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
