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Tom Cruise Sues Life & Style over Split Story
Feb 15, 2006, 09:19
HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise has filed a $10-million lawsuit against Life & Style magazine for reporting that he and fiancée, Katie Holmes, called off their engagement sometime before Valentine's Day. Branding the article willfully false and inaccurate, Mr. Cruise declared, "This will be the most expensive trash that rag has ever printed."
The Life & Style article reported that Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes will not be married and are simply "going through the motions" of being engaged until after their child, L. Ron., is born, at which time they will split up. What's more, said the magazine, the couple sleep in separate bedrooms, and Ms. Holmes is no longer taking instructions in Scientology.
The rift between Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes began shortly after the new year, said Life & Style, when Ms. Holmes failed her weekly E-meter test. An E-meter, according to the Secrets of Scientology website, is a "crude lie detector used by Scientology auditors (counselors) to examine a person's mental state. Scientologists claim the device allows people to 'see a thought.' In the hands of a trained auditor, they believe it can uncover 'hidden crimes.'"
The hidden crimes of Katie Holmes included a desire to be allowed to go to the bathroom without her Scientology minder, a wish to resume her acting career after her child is born, and her disappoint- ment that Mr. Cruise refused to have sex with her after she had become pregnant.
"Once Katie started having sex," said a friend of the actress, "she really got into it, but Tom simply saw it as a means to an end. As soon as she was pregnant, he lost interest in her altogether. I think she's starting to wonder if those rumors about Tom are true."
Mr. Cruise' spokesperson, Paul Bloch, denounced the Life & Style article.
"The story is 100 percent false," said Mr. Bloch. "Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. The couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family."
Despite this pro forma denial, TomKat watchers are inclined to credit the Life & Style account.
"You'll notice there was no public display of tonsil hockey on Valentine's Day," said MSNBC-TV's Rita Cosby. "No renting a toy store, no age-inappropriate presents, no open house at Chuck E. Cheese."
Instead, reported FOX News Shepard Smith, Mr. Cruise has been spotted by himself at Kanye West concerts recently.
The Mission Impossible star "dangled off a nine-foot-high balcony" at a concert in Los Angeles. Then he screamed, "All these people are making me crazy. It's too much!"
As onlookers "gasped in disbelief," said In Touch Weekly, Mr. Cruise climbed up cables leading to the VIP balcony and "went nuts" when he heard his favorite songs from Mr. West.
When Mr. West sang a line from "Gold Digger" about the need for prenups, Mr. Cruise threw his hands in the air and shouted, "Yeah, my [N-word]."
Mr. Cruise also "cornered other concert-goers to preach about Scientology," reported In Touch Weekly.
"He kept asking us what religion we were," one concert goer complained. "He told us that Scientology changed his life and his fiancé's life, and it could change ours, too. I didn't think he was ever going to let us go. He was starting to get creepy."
In related news, Tom Cruise is threatening to sue biographer Andrew Morton. Mr. Cruise reportedly went livid when he learned that Mr. Morton had hired Los Angeles private investigator and former gay adult actor Paul Baressi to probe on-going speculation that the Top Gun star is gay.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
