You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Britney Spears Warns Fans about Fake Hair Sales
Feb 19, 2007, 09:16
"Hello, my name is Britney Spears, and I'm the new president of the Hair Club for Women."
MALIBU - Britney Spears took time from orchestrating her personal makeover to warn fans not to buy "relics" of her hair on eBay. The eccentric pop star, who raised eyebrows by shaving hers recently, posted the following message on her website at 3:15 a.m. today.
hi all y'all out there in britneyland,
despite what them false tabloids have been saying about me—britney needs help, britneys a bad mother, britneys got an ugly cooter, and shit like that—i want to insure you, all my fans and friends, that theres a madness to my methods.
before i do that, i have to warn you NOT to buy locklets of my hair on ebay, youse tube, or any UNARTHURIZED persons or person. their are all false profits and cant be trusted, like it says in the book of revolutions.
because i did NOT leave any lockits of my hair when i was kidnapped and taken to that womans skanky shop, where they dont even serve frappuchino.
"This kinda looks like Fredo Corleone, don't you think?"
ok. i might have left my bic lighter there (big deal) and a can of red bull (whoop de doo), but one of my bodyguards (I think its the one im not boning) took all my hair, and i will be selling it MYSELF to raise money for my divorce.
if you buy any locklits of my supposed hair from false profits, you are wasting youre money. DO NOT even open the bag that the lockits come in. you dont know whose hair your getting or where that persons hair has been.
i will be back in awhile to let you know where you can send me money for relics of my hair and how you can test it to see if its really my hair coz i would NOT lie to you, but right now i have to finish lining my basement with aluminum foil.
luv,
britney
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
