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Angelina Jolie Accepts Oscar for Klaus Harmony
Feb 26, 2007, 11:22
LOS ANGELES - Angelina Jolie lent a much needed touch of spice to last night's Oscar awards snooze fest. The thirty-one-year-old Tomb Raider star brought the audience out of its slumber when she appeared late in the proceedings via satellite to accept a lifetime achievement award for Klaus Harmony, the legendary erotic film score composer known as "the Mozart of Porn."
Ms. Jolie's sensible appearance and sensibly brief remarks, which brought a refreshing touch of counter programming to the evening, were beamed to Los Angeles from N'Djamena, Chad, where she had arrived yesterday in her capacity as United Nations goodwill ambassador to the homeless.
"It is a privilege and an honor for me to accept this lifetime award for outstanding achievement in erotic film score composition on behalf of the late Klaus Harmony and his son, Helmut," said Ms. Jolie. "Klaus Harmony's body of erogenous work was not large—he scored only ten films between 1969 and 1982—but his impact drove home the truth of the maxim 'It's not the size of the tool but the way that it's used,' and no one used his tool better than Klaus.
"What's more, he was able to sustain his melodic thrust from his early, seminal works, Lips Electric and Wundercrotchen, to his last hurrahs, Die Sexorcist and Rumpenmeister.
"Other than this lifetime achievement award, I can think of no greater tribute to pay to Klaus Harmony than to tell you that Brad and I conceived our first child to the Gefährliche Brüste (Killer Tits) soundtrack. Thank you."
Klaus Harmony (1941-1984)
According to Wikipedia, Klaus Harmony was a promising cabaret performer when he formed a pop group, Accordion Pete & the Accordion Boys, in 1962. When music critics called his style "too theatrical," Mr. Harmony formed another group, The Accordion Boy & His Pop Beat Combo Chums, whose "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me" was a number one single in the UK.
After two personal tragedies that would have devastated most bands, The Pop Beat Combo Chums, who were calling themselves Kinky Roosevelt by then, split up in 1968. Subsequently Mr. Harmony moved to Utrecht, where he met fledgling film director, Friedrich Wohlfäht, a member of the new Erotik expressionist movement.
The two became fast friends and collaborators. They are best remembered for the highly controversial Die Sins des Apostles (1972), a depiction of Christ's disciples pursuing the knowledge of god through sexual union.
In 1984 Mr. Harmony, then forty-three, was killed in an unexplained explosion at a used record store in London's East End. Lack of evidence led some to speculate that the composer did not perish—and others to claim that he did not exist at all.
In related news, Universal Studios executive Randy Katz, talking to a reporter at Elton John's annual Oscar bash, denied that filming of A Touch of Klaus, a biopic based on the life of Klaus Harmony, was delayed because of death threats sent to one or more of the film's principals—Madonna, Brad Pitt, John Cusack, Anthony Hopkins, and veteran British director Ken Russell.
"We've had to push the schedule back a few weeks because of issues with locations," said Mr. Katz, "but we anticipate a successful shooting. We're very excited."
A Touch of Klaus had been scheduled to start production in Utrecht in the spring.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
