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Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes in Razzies Dead Heat
Mar 2, 2006, 09:59
Paris Hilton employing both of her dimensions in House of Wax.
HOLLYWOOD - The real drama at the 26th Annual Razzie Awards lies in the worst supporting actress category, where Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and Katie Holmes are in a virtual dead heat for the coveted prize, which will be awarded this Saturday.
"When their backs were against the canvas, these ladies reached deep into the bowels of their souls and brought up [crap]," said Las Vegas oddsmaker Vegas Vic. "The race is literally too close to call."
Ms. Hilton, who is no stranger to the indie film audience, appeared in House of Wax, her first multi-camera produc- tion. Displaying a range of emotions that ran from A to B, she added a wry, two-dimensional spin to this remake of the three-dimensional 1953 horror classic."
Jessica Simpson buttressed a weak cast in Dukes of Hazzard.
Not to be outdone, Jessica Simpson turned in a performance of such deep seated vacuity in Dukes of Hazzard that for a time there was a rumor circulating that she was being sued by her high school graduation committee. Playing a pair of cut off shorts, Ms. Simpson fleshed out the role with cheeky nonchalance and crack timing. Who will ever forget the scene where she tries to get a redneck to fix her car by sticking out her [chest] and purring, "I think something bounced up into my under- carriage"? With shorts like those that's always a hazzard.
Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is the dark horse in a blond-on-blond race. Hers was the misfortune of appearing in a movie, Batman Begins, that not only found favor with most critics but also featured genuine actors like Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, and Gary Oldman.
Katie Holmes acting the part.
Perhaps this pate company made Ms. Holmes seem like chopped liver to the Razzie nominating panel. Perhaps her association with Tom Cruise (she and he were nominated in the most tiresome tabloid target category) did her in—or her embrace of Scientology (which creeps more people out than Charlie Manson did in his heyday). More than likely her celluloid performance was outshone by the real life performance she gives, pretending that Tom Cruise isn't gay and that In Vitro is a cool name for a baby.
Although Vegas Vic recommends sitting this one out, if you must bet, the odds on Ms. Hilton, Ms. Simpson, and Ms. Holmes are 6-to-5, while Ashlee Simpson and Carmen Electra, whose performances would have been bad enough to take the worst supporting actress Razzie in an ordinary year, trail the field at 5-to-1 and 6-to-1 respectively.
In other news, President George W. Bush declared that the war in Afghanistan had made it safe for a president to visit there unannounced under a heavily armed guard.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
