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Britney Spears Is the Antichrist, Says Noted Exorcist
Mar 5, 2007, 10:30
MALIBU - Britney Spears' claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New York. Father LeBar, a veteran of more than forty exorcisms, observed Ms. Spears yesterday at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre. He was shaken by what he saw.
"There's no doubt in my mind that Satan has that unfortunate girl by the short and curlies," said the plain-talking, seventy-something priest.
Father LeBar was summoned to Promises-by-the-Sea after Ms. Spears' behavior had left staff members terrified. According to THEM Weekly, Ms. Spears wrote 666, the Biblical number of the Beast, on her shaved head sometime early Friday morning, then ran uncontrolled through the Promises clinic, banging on doors and shouting, "I am the Antichrist, all y'all. The South will rise again."
THEM Weekly also reported that the former singer had narrowly escaped injury when she attempted to hang herself with a 600-thread-count bed sheet earlier in the week. In addition visitors to Promises who had brought pets to cheer up their relatives reported that the animals had become terrified when Ms. Spears approached them.
Disturbed by these accounts—and faced with a staff mutiny—the entertainment coordinator at Promises, Eva St. Andre, summoned Father LeBar, who agreed to pose as Asa Prudhomme, grandfather of the celebrated Cajun chef Paul Prudhomme.
As soon as the car carrying Father LeBar started up the Promises driveway, Ms. Spears, who had been drawing on the wall of her room with her own feces, became agitated.
"Fie, fie, fo, fum," she began to sing in a guttural voice. "Something evil this way come."
Then she locked herself in the bathroom, turned on the shower, and refused to come out. Father LeBar, who recognized the import of the meat-locker temperature of the room, told Ms. Spears he was there to make sure she got all the fried food she wanted.
Suddenly the bathroom door flew open, and there stood Ms. Spears, brandishing her naked breasts, whose nipples she had painted black with a magic marker.
"Suck on these and die, you perverted servant of a perverted master," she snarled at Father LeBar, knocking him to the floor with a stream of vile-smelling, green projectile breast milk before he could be safely removed from the room.
In related news, Kevin Federline said he would not use his wife's recent outbursts against her in a custody hearing, "as long as she completes her stay in rehab and gets the treatment that she needs."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
