You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Sluggish Vista Users Will Be Patched by Microsoft
Apr 6, 2007, 08:50
REDMOND, Wash. - The Microsoft Corporation has responded swiftly to complaints from Windows Vista users who reported feeling sluggish after upgrading to the new operating system. Yesterday the Redmond giant released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Vista users by Microsoft-validated physicians.
"The HOW starts now," declared Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates. "Any computer user who believes he or she has been operating less efficiently after upgrading to Vista—or purchasing a new computer with Vista preinstalled—can receive a free patch from physicians who display the trusted Vista Capable shield in their offices."
The Vista patch, code named Wronghorn, features an attractive new face, a slimmed down design, and a flexible profile reminiscent of the popular NicoDerm CQ ThinFlex patch, although Wronghorn doesn't actually move with its wearer as the NicoDerm patch does.
"This is by far the most secure Windows patch Microsoft has ever issued," said Mr. Gates. "Our philosophy, as always, is to make computing effortless so that people can have more time to devote to the rest of their lives."
According to company policy, Microsoft refuses to discuss how its latest patch works, but some critics claim Wronghorn contains nothing more than low-grade ferrous sulfate (iron) that will provide anemic Vista users with a mild, temporary feeling of well being.
"Just as vitamins are no substitute for a healthy diet, the Wronghorn patch is no substitute for the major lifestyle changes in exercise and weight training required by Vista," said one critic.
"What's more, Microsoft is playing fast and lose with facts because even though the Wronghorn patch is free, Microsoft-validated physicians will charge a sliding consultation fee, based on the level of Vista a user had purchased, for providing the Wronghorn patch.
In related news, a Microsoft official, speaking on condition of anonymity, warned that Vista users who attempt to self-medicate by returning to the Windows XP operating system are practicing foolish economy.
"Recent advances in the pricing structure of XP make it an unattractive option even when compared to the cost of a physician visit," said the official.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
