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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
Strike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Yanni Arrested for Alleged Musical Abuse-Apartments Mar 7, 2006 - 8:32
MANALAPAN, Fla. - The musician Yanni was arrested at his home Friday after allegedly subjecting a woman to musical abuse, authorities said. Mr. Yanni, whose legal name is John Yanni Christopher, faces a domestic-battery-by-music charge, according to a police report. The Greek-born singer-pianist, 51, denied the allegation.
According to Mr. Yanni's companion Silvia Barthes, 33, Mr. Yanni woke up Friday morning and began playing one of his albums. Apart from the "rather loud volume for that time of day," Ms. Barthes said she did not find anything unusual in Mr. Yanni's actions.
"He always listens to his own music when he wants to make love to me," she told police. "Otherwise he has difficulty performing. So I just thought he was giving me a wake-up call."
On Friday, however, Mr. Yanni was not in the mood for love, unless he had self-love in mind. By noon he had listened to Niki Nana (1989), Reflections of Passion (1990), Out of Silence (1990), Optimystique (1990), Keys to Imagination (1990), Chameleon Days (1990), and In Celebration of Life (1991). Ms. Barthes told police she had begun to fear that Mr. Yanni intended to listen to his entire thirty-album oeuvre in sequence.
"I tried to tune the music out," said Ms. Barthes, "but Yanni has speakers in every room of the house, and he controls them from a master panel in a locked closet. I went out to the pool for a swim, but he turned on the outside speakers. I was on the verge of a panic attack. There's only so much Yanni a person can take."
By late Friday afternoon Mr. Yanni had changed into his performance clothes and had worked his way up to Yanni-Greatest Hits (1997). At that point Ms. Barthes finally asked him "to please give it a rest."
After a protracted argument, Mr. Yanni turned up the volume, Ms. Barthes claimed. When she attempted to leave the beach- front house, Mr. Yanni seized her by the arm and forced her into a spare bedroom. There he shook her, threw her on the bed, and jumped on top of her, according to the police report.
While Tribute (1997) played loudly, Mr. Yanni sat astride Ms. Barthes, waving his arms manically as though he were conducting an orchestra. When he went to the guest bathroom during "intermission," Ms. Barthes summoned police on her cell phone.
When the police arrived, just as In the Mirror (1997) was beginning, Mr. Yanni claimed that Barthes had kicked him and, he believed, had injured his "conducting" finger during the incident.
Reporters who called a telephone listing for a John Christopher in Manalapan over the weekend heard a recorded message saying no one was available at the time. A selection from Nightbird (2002) played in the background.
Update: Although charges against Yanni were dropped eventually, the incident still angers many people--not because of anything Yanni did in his beds or in the recording studio, but because he owns a $7.7 million oceanfront home, instead in apartments.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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