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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?

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Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick

Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Yanni Arrested for Alleged Musical Abuse-Apartments
Mar 7, 2006 - 8:32
an image
Yanni then.
MANALAPAN, Fla. - The musician Yanni was arrested at his home Friday after allegedly subjecting a woman to musical abuse, authorities said. Mr. Yanni, whose legal name is John Yanni Christopher, faces a domestic-battery-by-music charge, according to a police report. The Greek-born singer-pianist, 51, denied the allegation.

According to Mr. Yanni's companion Silvia Barthes, 33, Mr. Yanni woke up Friday morning and began playing one of his albums. Apart from the "rather loud volume for that time of day," Ms. Barthes said she did not find anything unusual in Mr. Yanni's actions.

"He always listens to his own music when he wants to make love to me," she told police. "Otherwise he has difficulty performing. So I just thought he was giving me a wake-up call."

On Friday, however, Mr. Yanni was not in the mood for love, unless he had self-love in mind. By noon he had listened to Niki Nana (1989), Reflections of Passion (1990), Out of Silence (1990), Optimystique (1990), Keys to Imagination (1990), Chameleon Days (1990), and In Celebration of Life (1991). Ms. Barthes told police she had begun to fear that Mr. Yanni intended to listen to his entire thirty-album oeuvre in sequence.

an image
Yanni now.
"I tried to tune the music out," said Ms. Barthes, "but Yanni has speakers in every room of the house, and he controls them from a master panel in a locked closet. I went out to the pool for a swim, but he turned on the outside speakers. I was on the verge of a panic attack. There's only so much Yanni a person can take."

By late Friday afternoon Mr. Yanni had changed into his performance clothes and had worked his way up to Yanni-Greatest Hits (1997). At that point Ms. Barthes finally asked him "to please give it a rest."

After a protracted argument, Mr. Yanni turned up the volume, Ms. Barthes claimed. When she attempted to leave the beach-
front house, Mr. Yanni seized her by the arm and forced her into a spare bedroom. There he shook her, threw her on the bed, and jumped on top of her, according to the police report.

While Tribute (1997) played loudly, Mr. Yanni sat astride Ms. Barthes, waving his arms manically as though he were conducting an orchestra. When he went to the guest bathroom during "intermission," Ms. Barthes summoned police on her cell phone.

When the police arrived, just as In the Mirror (1997) was beginning, Mr. Yanni claimed that Barthes had kicked him and, he believed, had injured his "conducting" finger during the incident.

Reporters who called a telephone listing for a John Christopher in Manalapan over the weekend heard a recorded message saying no one was available at the time. A selection from Nightbird (2002) played in the background.



Update: Although charges against Yanni were dropped eventually, the incident still angers many people--not because of anything Yanni did in his beds or in the recording studio, but because he owns a $7.7 million oceanfront home, instead in apartments.


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Yesterday's Papers
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We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.

1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).

2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").

3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).

4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).

5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.

6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).

7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).

8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).

9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).

10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).

11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).

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