You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
NEW ORLEANS - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have failed in their latest attempt to add to their rainbow family. The actor-activist couple learned yesterday that a New Orleans animal shelter had denied their request to adopt a three-month-old Labrador retriever puppy.
The shelter's refusal came as a shock to Brangelina watchers, who assumed that the couple's celebrity status and clout would be sufficient to allow them to adopt the next dalai lama if they chose. So, Brangelina watchers are asking, "What went wrong?"
A shelter employee who did not wish to be identified provided answers to that question.
"Granted, we are in the business of finding good homes for animals, but we don't just hand them over to every Tom, Dick, and Brad who walks through the door flashing money, a pretty wife, and a megawatt smile."
According to the shelter employee, the Jolie-Pitts' adoption request was denied because they had failed to answer several items on the adoption questionnaire satisfactorily.
"First, they did not meet our six month's residency requirement. Then under the why-do-you-want-a-pet question, they wrote, 'As a companion for our children.' That's not always a red flag, but two of their children are too young to behave responsibly around puppies, and we got the impression the couple wasn't through having and adopting children yet. Frankly, they came uncomfortably close to matching our 'collectors' profile.
"We were also concerned about the couple's marital status, as we prefer to place puppies in more traditional intact homes. Their lack of knowledge about the breed didn't help their cause either. She couldn't even point to Labrador on a map, then she tried to excuse her failure by saying it was obviously not a country with pressing humanitarian issues."
The shelter employee was also puzzled by Ms. Jolie's behavior toward the puppy.
"During a supervised interaction period she held the puppy in her arms the entire time. Mr. Pitt kept asking her to put the puppy in the stroller he had brought with them so he could practice taking it for walks, but she ignored him until she finally told him to shut up. I felt sorry for him. He had the look of a man who's used to taking orders."
Neither Mr. Pitt nor Ms. Jolie answered our requests for comments about the shelter worker's statements.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
