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Sarah Silverman Snub Has God Lovers Fuming
Mar 14, 2007, 05:52
Perhaps there was a younger God on Sarah's mind.
NEW YORK - Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God's followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman's morning-after kiss off, seen last week on the season's finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass— something she apparently did not want her Heavenly Father doing any longer.
Christian groups are unanimous in their belief that God should not take this insult to His manhood lying down.
"What she did was blasphemous," thundered a representative of the Parents Television Council. "She will burn in hell for that. God is all loving and all good. No one who turns Him away can expect to be saved."
After God and Ms. Silverman had spent a night together, He invited her to Heaven for the day—even offering to introduce her to Thomas Jefferson.
"Oh, awesome," Ms. Silverman replied. "I told my friend Natalie I would help her move, though."
"I could stop time," God offered.
"What happened to guys who just want to roll over and go to sleep?"
"That is so sweet," the comedienne began. "Oh, your pants are over there. I mean not like I'm asking you to leave. I just mean if you can't see it from this angle of still being in my bed."
God, a black gentleman of a certain age, is clearly digging Ms. Silverman. He is also clearly hurt. That hurt appears to have become resentment later in the episode, when Ms. Silverman is struggling to formulate a prayer to Him.
"Can you meet me half way?" she asks. "You're kinda breaking my balls."
"Alright," God replies. "Just one more time, Sarah."
"She's lucky he didn't strike her with his terrible swift sword," declared the head of the United Council of Methodist Bishops. "The First Commandment warns us, 'I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange gods before me.' Did Ms. Silverman think that proscription didn't include friends too?
"God knows how to treat a woman, to make her feel special. How many men can make it rain gently all around you but not where you're walking? By the same token He has no time for women who use Him when it suits them, but deny Him when He asks them for a favor."
"He was too old for me. He thought a reach-around is a technique used in Greco-Roman wrestling."
A friend of Ms. Silverman's, who wished to remain anonymous, came to her defense.
"God's just another male on an ego trip. He thinks his johnson weighs a ton. Just because she gives him a little, he expects her to drop what she's doing and follow him around the next day so he can show her off to his friends."
God did not return calls seeking a comment yesterday. A representative for Ms. Silverman said the comedienne liked God "as a friend" and had slept with Him "mostly out of curiosity" but she isn't "looking for a relationship" at this time.
In related news, the NAACP has requested a copy of the controversial episode to see if "anything in Ms. Silverman's actions or attitude" suggests that God was a victim of racism.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
