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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Gay Marriage Ban Makes Texas a Haven for Gay Couples
Mar 19, 2006, 04:35
AUSTIN, Texas - Ever since Texas voters approved proposition 2, the so-called gay marriage ban, last November, the Lone Star state has become an unexpected haven for gay couples. Against all expectations, proposition 2, which defines marriage as an institution involving one man and one woman, inspired thousands of two-man and two-woman couples from across the United States and Canada to pour into Texas, seeking refuge there from the pitfalls of heterosexual-style marriage.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, divorce rates among heterosexuals in Texas were the ninth-highest in the United States in 2004. If fact, the heterosexual divorce rate in Texas, 4.1 per 1,000 marriages, was 51 percent higher than the national average and nearly twice as high as that of Massachusetts, 2.4 per 1,000 marriages. With the majority of heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, Texas felt compelled to protect its gay citizens from the high odds of having to endure similarly painful and degrading marriage outcomes.
In a recent interview Texas governor Rick Perry noted the consequences of the increasing rate of divorce among heterosexual Texans.
"Over half the children in Texas come from broken homes, which I find appalling," said Governor Perry. "What's even worse, millions of Texas dollars are pocketed by divorce lawyers. That's money that could have been allocated for high school football programs and the elimination of hunting license fees, things that Texans would truly cherish.
"Now that proposition 2 is the law of the land, I've realized that the majority of heterosexual Texans really do want to protect our gay citizens from the social and monetary damages caused by heterosexual-style marriages."
Quebelle Bruchmiller, a wedding consultant in Plano, Texas, is also relieved by the new amendment.
"I've been in this business for twenty-seven years, and let me tell you, Texan weddings are getting tackier by the minute," said Ms. Bruchmiller. "In an outdoor wedding in East Texas, a recording of 'Dueling Banjos' was played for the wedding march; the groom wore a Git-R-Done T-shirt; and the best man kept pumping a pony keg during the nuptials. The mother of the bride weighed four hundred pounds and, I swear, you could see the outline of her thong through her dress. It really makes you wonder if there is a god.
"And don't get me started on these couples who write their own vows! If I hear one more quote from Kahlil Gibran or the Desiderata, I'm just going to urp."
Bruchmiller paused, then smiled, and her tone suddenly brightened. "At least part of our society will be safe from this disgusting trend!
"Let's face it, no one enjoys going to weddings except the bride," she continued with a wince. "Then these narcissistic little daddy's girls decide that their weddings are an honor-yourself beauty pageant. They end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year. At least gay Texans, bless their hearts, won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families!"
Helen Heimlich, a long-time organist at Fairview Baptist Church in Abeline, Texas, observed: "I've played for hundreds of weddings, and you just wouldn't believe the stuff these people want me to play!"
She remembers one particular bride who insisted that Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" be played while the mothers were being seated.
"Now that proposition 2 has been ratified," said Mr. Heimlich, "5 to 8 percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that. It'll make this place a little more dignified—and my job that much less embarrassing."
She smiled and gazed pensively out the window. "I just wish more of our congregation were gay."
Reverend Bud "Booger" Robinson agreed.
"Back in the 1950s, weddings were really dignified," he said. "Now you never know what to expect. Last week the ring bearer and flower girl were the couple's own children, and the damn bride wore white! Most of the time the groom is so hung over he has no idea what's going on. You bet I voted to keep the sanctity of marriage in Texas. I'm really glad the gay members of Fairview Baptist won't be following the immoral examples that others have set. "
Jim Altenhoff and his partner, David, recently made their way to Texas from Boston, where gay marriages are legal.
"Weddings up there were becoming such a cliché," said Mr. Altenhoff to a reporter at the South by Southwest music festival in Austin. "If I heard the theme from Brokeback Mountain at one more wedding, I thought I'd just scream. The last time that happened, I knew I couldn't take it anymore."
Holding David's hand, Altenhoff said with tears welling in his eyes, "It's such a relief we made it to Austin. We'll be safe here."
Members of Texas' lesbian and gay community responded with similar enthusiasm. Janet Smith, president of the Texas Lesbian and Gay Task Force, was relieved when proposition 2 passed.
"I was really worried for a while that marriage might become legal for us in Texas," said Ms. Smith. "I mean, haven't my people suffered enough?"
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
