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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Harry Potter Star Emma Watson Envies Britney Spears' Success Mar 19, 2007 - 8:29
"Doesn't this hat make me look cool?"
LONDON - Emma Watson doesn't want to be known as "that girl from Harry Potter" any more. The sixteen-year-old actress, who plays Harry's brainiac schoolmate Hermione Granger, has flipped the bird to Warner Bros., refusing to extend her indentured servitude by appearing in films six and seven of the never ending Potter series.
When a pair of tasseled loafers from the studio offered to double her salary to $2 million, she turned the other cheeky in a brief text message, "Sod off, clown."
A source at Warner Bros. said the studio was willing to go $2.25 million and a Toyota RAV4, "but not a penny higher."
Friends of Ms. Watson say her refusal to play the virginal Hermione isn't about money. It's about a desire to grow up.
"Her role models have changed," said Charlotte Temple-West, a close friend of Ms. Watson's from the Headington School. "Emma used to idolize Gwyneth Paltrow, but all she ever talks about now are Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan."
Other friends report that Ms. Watson has started drinking beer and strawberry wine coolers and saying things like bloody and fuckin' 'ell and other expressions Hermione would never use.
"Emma's tired of being the good girl," said Ms. Temple-West. "She was disappointed when she read the script for Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince and there weren't any sex scenes between her and Ron in it."
"Whoa, two sips and already I feel shitfaced."
THEM Weekly tracked Emma Watson down by cell phone at a London club last weekend. Shouting to make herself heard above the Scissor Sisters' latest single, "She's My Man," Ms. Watson confirmed that she wanted to pattern her career after Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
"I'll be seventeen next month, and I'm still a virgin," she yelled in a dreadful imitation of a Cockney accent. "It's bloody embarrassing. Fuckin' 'ell. I'm dyin' for a shag, but guys are either intimidated by me, or they have their defenses up, or else they like to take the piss out of me for playin' a stuck up who wouldn't say cock if she had a mouthful. I'm bloody sick of it."
Asked how she planned to celebrate her birthday, Ms. Watson shouted, "With a boob job, a randy good shag, and some killer blow. You doin' anythin' April 15, mate?"
When THEM Weekly reminded Ms. Watson that seventeen, no matter how willing, was still underage in some countries, she yelled, "Well piss off then. I'm gonna have a slash and take me knickers off and dance on the bar."
In other news, oh balls, there is no other news, unless you consider Britney Spears wetting the bed again news.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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