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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie Fail to Impress Local Residents
Mar 20, 2006, 09:22
CERNOBBIO, Italy - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not show up in this tiny northern Italian village to get married over the weekend; but if they had, they would not have made an impression on Arnaldo Bonpensiero, senior desk clerk at the Hotel Miralago.
"You call them movie stars? I call them peasants," said Mr. Bonpensiero, 63, pretending to spit a mouthful of wine on the floor of Trattoria La Vignetta.
"Marcello Mastroianni, Sophia Loren— now that's a movie star. Dignified, classy, always well dressed. Not like this Pitt mortadella and his puttana," said Bonpensiero, using the Italian words for "loser" and "whore."
"You ever see Marcello arriving at an airport in a knitted cap wearing blue jeans and carrying a diaper bag? What a cafone, this Pitt."
"Effe," spat Mr. Bonpensiero's friend Primo Cifaretto, 61, using the first letter of effemminato as shorthand for "a passive homosexual."
The two friends were equally unimpressed with Angelina Jolie.
"We have a saying in our country," said Mr. Cifaretto. "'She would [sleep with] a snake if she wanted his pile of rocks.'"
Mr. Bonpenserio also thought it was wrong that Mr. Pitt divorced Jennifer Aniston because he was having an affair with Ms. Jolie.
"A real man would never do that," said Mr. Bonpensiero. "We have a saying in our country: 'A mistress is for afternoons; a marriage is forever.'"
"What a ruffiano, that Brad Pitt," added Mr. Cifaretto. "Marcello had plenty lovers, yet he was married to the same woman for forty- eight years. Both his mistress, Catherine Deneuve, and his wife, Flora, were at his bedside when he died. Do you think Jennifer Aniston will even send flowers when Brad Pitt dies?"
In other news, Vice President Cheney said he did not think it would be necessary for President Bush to resign "at this point" in order to boost the vice president's "soft" approval ratings, which have dipped below Charles Manson's in the latest CNN poll.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
