Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie Fail to Impress Local Residents
Mar 20, 2006, 09:22
CERNOBBIO, Italy - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did not show up in this tiny northern Italian village to get married over the weekend; but if they had, they would not have made an impression on Arnaldo Bonpensiero, senior desk clerk at the Hotel Miralago.
"You call them movie stars? I call them peasants," said Mr. Bonpensiero, 63, pretending to spit a mouthful of wine on the floor of Trattoria La Vignetta.
"Marcello Mastroianni, Sophia Loren— now that's a movie star. Dignified, classy, always well dressed. Not like this Pitt mortadella and his puttana," said Bonpensiero, using the Italian words for "loser" and "whore."
"You ever see Marcello arriving at an airport in a knitted cap wearing blue jeans and carrying a diaper bag? What a cafone, this Pitt."
"Effe," spat Mr. Bonpensiero's friend Primo Cifaretto, 61, using the first letter of effemminato as shorthand for "a passive homosexual."
The two friends were equally unimpressed with Angelina Jolie.
"We have a saying in our country," said Mr. Cifaretto. "'She would [sleep with] a snake if she wanted his pile of rocks.'"
Mr. Bonpenserio also thought it was wrong that Mr. Pitt divorced Jennifer Aniston because he was having an affair with Ms. Jolie.
"A real man would never do that," said Mr. Bonpensiero. "We have a saying in our country: 'A mistress is for afternoons; a marriage is forever.'"
"What a ruffiano, that Brad Pitt," added Mr. Cifaretto. "Marcello had plenty lovers, yet he was married to the same woman for forty- eight years. Both his mistress, Catherine Deneuve, and his wife, Flora, were at his bedside when he died. Do you think Jennifer Aniston will even send flowers when Brad Pitt dies?"
In other news, Vice President Cheney said he did not think it would be necessary for President Bush to resign "at this point" in order to boost the vice president's "soft" approval ratings, which have dipped below Charles Manson's in the latest CNN poll.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
