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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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Lindsay Lohan Vows to Stay the Course
Mar 30, 2007, 08:27
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LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan, like her favorite president, George W. Bush, is determined to stay the course. Although Britney Spears has moved on from flashing her bunny to attending church with a posse of armed thugs—and Paris Hilton is more worried about jail time than face time these days—Ms. Lohan is determined to rid the world of underwear no matter how long it takes.

Photographed recently during one of those daily runs for a take-away beverage that are de rigueur in Los Angeles, Ms. Lohan was clearly not wearing undergarments. Apparently, she was also excited about seeing the paparazzi again.

"Lindsay Lohan is her own person," said Leslie Sloan Zelnick, her publicist. "Lindsay Lohan is not going to abandon her principles just because they might be unpopular at the moment."

According to the latest USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll, public support for Ms. Lohan's war on underwear is at an all-time low, 28 percent. Many Americans who supported the campaign when it began several years ago have grown increasingly impatient with its costs, fearing that our country is stuck between a rock and a soft place.

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"What's there to choose between painful waxing or razor nicks?" asked one survey correspondent. "We ought to admit that going without underwear is actually making the world less safe for individual freedom. We should be cutting our losses, nor ourselves."


In sporting news, Los Angeles Lakers coach, Phil Jackson, defended his decision to allow Lakers star Kobe Bryant to shoot the ball whenever he pleases.

"We're undefeated in games when Kobe takes thirty or more shots and we outscore our opponents," said Mr. Jackson, who is known as the Zen master of basket-
ball coaches.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.