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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck Bested by Tom Welling for Gay Role Apr 1, 2006 - 10:05
HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck, Clay Aiken, and other stars were bested by Smallville's Tom Welling for the chance of playing Brad Pitt's love interest in Oscar-winning director Ang Lee's new film, When David Met Jonathan. The biblical epic, which relies solely on texts from the Old Testament books of Samuel, chronicles David and Jonathan's story of passionate love, intrigue, and deception.
According to Mr. Lee, he came up with the idea for When David Met Jonathan when a theologian friend of his mentioned there was a male love story in the bible.
"At first I didn't believe it, but there it was—the story of David and Jonathan. Everything I needed for the screenplay was right there in the books of Samuel. By utilizing the biblical texts, we saved a bundle on writers' salaries and avoided ego problems."
When Mr. Lee read the description of David as "a handsome, ruddy youth," he thought immediately of Brad Pitt. Fortunately, Mr. Pitt was searching for a role like this to expand his repertoire, and he could still fit into the costume he wore in Troy.
The chorus of "pick me, pick me" began when Mr. Lee announced an open casting call for the part of Jonathan.
Singer Clay Aiken was so desperate to land the role that he created a disturbance on a Southwest Airlines flight bound for Chattanooga, Tennessee.
"He wouldn't put down his cell phone when I asked him to," reported flight attendant Juli Harris. "He had this really crazed look in his eyes and kept saying he had to reach his agent."
Mr. Aiken was restrained by an on-board air marshal, and the pilot made an emergancy landing in Knoxville, where Mr. Aiken was arrested for bitch slapping Ms. Harris repeatedly. As a result of Mr. Aiken's arrest, his performance at a Piggly Wiggly opening in Chattanooga was canceled.
When asked about the possibility of Mr. Aiken playing the role of Jonathan, Mr. Lee cited the 18th chapter of 1st Samuel where Jonathan strips nude in front of David and hands him his clothes. "I just don't think the public is ready to see Mr. Aiken that way."
Mr. Lee heard from Tom Cruise' people the minute the casting call announcement had been made.
"I questioned whether Mr. Cruise would be willing to play this role because Scientology describes same-sex love as 'a most vicious reversal of the second dynamic,'" said Mr. Lee. "Apparently, Mr. Cruise had gotten permission from Katie Holmes to play the role, as long as he remained silent during the love scenes."
Lee also revealed that he had been contacted by Ben Affleck about playing the role of Jonathan, "but only if Matt Damon could be David."
Mr. Affleck contacted Mr. Lee after learning that the screen test would involve a scene in which David and Jonathan fall on the ground, kiss, weep, and make a covenant with each other as depicted in the 20th chapter of 1st Samuel.
"I told him the part of David had already gone to Brad Pitt," said Mr. Lee. "Besides, people are tired of seeing Ben and Matt together."
Mr. Lee admitted that Tom Cruise had been the leading contender for the role of Jonathan until Smallville star, Tom Welling, auditioned for the part.
"He waltzed right up to Brad and just nailed it. He really blew Cruise right out of the water."
Mr. Lee says he is prepared for any backlash from the Christian right-wing community.
"I can understand their getting upset over a gay depiction of the American cowboy, but if they have a hard time with the theme of When David Met Jonathan, I'll just have to suggest that they don't mess with the literal meaning of the scriptures."
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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