Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
HOLLYWOOD - Jessica Simpson stumbled over the first hurdle in her quest to adopt a Mexican baby. The singer- actress was able to answer only one out of eleven questions correctly on a preliminary adoption assessment form. The average score is 6.5. The passing grade is negotiable.
A spokesperson for Ms. Simpson said she hopes to do better the second time she takes the test.
"Jess thought it was going to be an open-book test," said the spokesperson. "Besides, she didn't know it was going to be in English."
A source close to Ms. Simpson leaked a copy of the test, along with Ms. Simpson's answers, to this publication. Ms. Simpson's answers are in bold.
1. Mexico is . . .
a) a city, b) a country, c) the place where Natalee Holloway disappeared, d) a place with lots of extra babies, e) where all the illegal aliens live.
2. Babies born in Mexico speak . . .
a) fast, b) broken English, c) Mexican, d) Spanish, e) only when spoken to.
3. Mexican babies should be fed . . .
a) carefully, b) whenever they cry, c) pureed tacos, d) a nourishing formula, e) with either breast.
4. Mexico's president is . . .
a) under indictment, b) under-size, c) Vincente Fox, d) Michael J. Fox, e) corrupt.
5. I want to adopt a Mexican baby because . . .
a) Angelina Jolie doesn't have one yet, b) I want to practice my Spanish, c) my biological clock is ticking, d) I want to provide a loving, nurturing environment, e) the celebrity sperm bank turned down my request.
6. When I visited Mexico, the thing I liked the most was . . .
a) spring break, b) the food, c) the culture, d) the souvenirs, e) Mardi Gras.
7. I have many Mexican . . . a) gardeners, b) knickknacks, c) friends, d) illnesses, e) postage stamps.
8. Mexico's chief export is . . .
a) illegal aliens, b) marijuana, c) Cheech Marin, d) tortillas, e) none of the above.
9. Cinco de mayo is celebrated on . . .
a) May 5, b) May 6, c) April 5, d) a Monday no matter when it falls, e) leap years only.
10. The capital of Mexico is . . .
a) Tijuana, b) overcrowded, c) Mexico City, d) a tourist trap, e) I don't know.
Bonus question: Mexico is home to the world's largest . . .
a) pyramid, b) pinata, c) margarita, d) sombrero, e) statue of the Blessed Virgin.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
