You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
HOLLYWOOD - Jessica Simpson stumbled over the first hurdle in her quest to adopt a Mexican baby. The singer- actress was able to answer only one out of eleven questions correctly on a preliminary adoption assessment form. The average score is 6.5. The passing grade is negotiable.
A spokesperson for Ms. Simpson said she hopes to do better the second time she takes the test.
"Jess thought it was going to be an open-book test," said the spokesperson. "Besides, she didn't know it was going to be in English."
A source close to Ms. Simpson leaked a copy of the test, along with Ms. Simpson's answers, to this publication. Ms. Simpson's answers are in bold.
1. Mexico is . . .
a) a city, b) a country, c) the place where Natalee Holloway disappeared, d) a place with lots of extra babies, e) where all the illegal aliens live.
2. Babies born in Mexico speak . . .
a) fast, b) broken English, c) Mexican, d) Spanish, e) only when spoken to.
3. Mexican babies should be fed . . .
a) carefully, b) whenever they cry, c) pureed tacos, d) a nourishing formula, e) with either breast.
4. Mexico's president is . . .
a) under indictment, b) under-size, c) Vincente Fox, d) Michael J. Fox, e) corrupt.
5. I want to adopt a Mexican baby because . . .
a) Angelina Jolie doesn't have one yet, b) I want to practice my Spanish, c) my biological clock is ticking, d) I want to provide a loving, nurturing environment, e) the celebrity sperm bank turned down my request.
6. When I visited Mexico, the thing I liked the most was . . .
a) spring break, b) the food, c) the culture, d) the souvenirs, e) Mardi Gras.
7. I have many Mexican . . . a) gardeners, b) knickknacks, c) friends, d) illnesses, e) postage stamps.
8. Mexico's chief export is . . .
a) illegal aliens, b) marijuana, c) Cheech Marin, d) tortillas, e) none of the above.
9. Cinco de mayo is celebrated on . . .
a) May 5, b) May 6, c) April 5, d) a Monday no matter when it falls, e) leap years only.
10. The capital of Mexico is . . .
a) Tijuana, b) overcrowded, c) Mexico City, d) a tourist trap, e) I don't know.
Bonus question: Mexico is home to the world's largest . . .
a) pyramid, b) pinata, c) margarita, d) sombrero, e) statue of the Blessed Virgin.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
