Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Jessica Alba, Sharon Stone, and Eminem are today's winner and losers. Their triumph, tribulations, and trivialities prove once again that you can't always get what you want— unless, of course, nobody else wants it—and that getting what you don't want is sometimes worse that not getting anything at all.
Jessica Alba, winner, received an informal apology from Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, who sent the actress a personal note in which he said he was sorry for putting her on Playboy's March cover without her permission. He also agreed to donate all unsold copies of that issue to Ms. Alba's favorite charities—Drunks Against Mad Mothers and Jerry Garcia's Kids.
Ms. Alba, 24, had originally demanded that Mr. Hefner, 96, recall the entire March issue and replace it with a special Ides of March edition, featuring a nude photo spread in which she starred, because she didn't want her fans who bought the issue to be disappointed at not finding any naked photos of her inside.
Sharon Stone, loser, has announced that she will appear naked throughout Basic Instinct 3, which will begin filming in New York this summer. Ms. Stone, 48, said she had seriously underestimated the public's interest in seeing her naked, and as a result, Basic Instinct 2 was not doing as well at the box office as it would have done had their been more full-frontal nudity.
"I have no problem going naked throughout an entire movie as long as nudity is an integral part of the plot," said Ms. Stone.
In Basic Instinct 3 Ms. Stone joins a nudist colony in order to track down a drug smuggler and a hidden pen light filled with uncut heroin.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III of Kansas City, Missouri, loser, has filed for a divorce from his second and first wife, Kimberly Ann Scott Mathers of Detroit, Michigan, citing chronic irreconcilable differences.
Mr. Mathers, 33, is the son of Deborah Mathers- Briggs of Detroit and Marshall Bruce Mathers II, present whereabouts unknown. Mrs. Scott Mathers, 31, is the daughter of Kathleen Sluck of Detroit and an "unidentified Caucasian male."
Mr. Mathers is a CEO in the entertainment industry who does business under the name Eminem. Mrs. Mathers lists her occupation as "events planner."
The divorce is the second for both parties. They were previously divorced in October 2001, after two years and four months of marriage. Although their unions were marked by violence and gunplay, the couple enjoyed their tender moments, too, as celebrated in Mr. Mather's song "Kim."
Hey, 'member the time we went to Brian's party?
And you were like so drunk that you threw up all over Archie? That was funny wasn't it?
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
