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Tom Cruise Challenges Global Warming Report
Apr 7, 2007, 12:10
LOS ANGELES - Tom Cruise dismissed the global warming report issued by the United Nations as "a load of pseudo-scientific hooey" that offers "temporary bromides" instead of real solutions to the world's temperature increases.
Addressing a group of reporters at his son's baseball game yesterday afternoon, Mr. Cruise demanded to know how many actually had read the UN report.
"Well, I have," said Mr. Cruise, "and it's nothing but a glib collection of charts, numbers, and Doppler radar maps—the kind of stuff that meteorologists try to impress people with. I don't know how these so-called scientists can predict the effects of global warming when they can't even get the weekend weather right half the time."
According to Mr. Cruise, the increases in annual temperatures observed since 1980 were not caused by greenhouse gases or "any other scientific fairy tales." He insisted that theories about the greenhouse-gas effect had about as much "scientific credibility" as the belief that chemical imbalances in the brain can cause depression.
"I happen to know that for the last twenty-five years the Scientology mother ship has been conducting top-secret operations close enough to Earth to make Earthlings a little hot under the collar," said Mr. Cruise.
Warming to his topic, he continued. "Meteorology, like psychology, astrology, and a lot of other ologies, is a phony science that wants people to be dependent on shortcut solutions—in this case, reducing emissions of carbon dioxide from industrial sources."
Mr. Cruise then accused the UN of wanting to make people dependent on reducing fossil fuel consumption, "but solutions can't be found in pills."
The "cure" for higher temperatures can be found in the teachings of Scientology, said Mr. Cruise.
"L. Ron Hubbard taught us to stop complaining about the weather, which we can't do anything about, and to concentrate instead on taking the proper vitamins and getting the right kind of exercise so we can be comfortable in any weather."
Next Oprah: Quick Recipes for Those Days When It's Too Hot to Cook
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
