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Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-


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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Lindsay Lohan Wax Figure Causes Stir at Madame Tussauds
Apr 13, 2006 - 9:06
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NEW YORK - Hundreds of people, some of them in wheelchairs and on crutches, lined up outside Madame Tussauds early this morning. They had come from as far away as New Jersey and Pennsylvania in response to rumors of miraculous cures effected by the recently unveiled Lindsay Lohan wax figure.

"My girlfriend April went to see Lindsay yesterday," said Shelly Epstein of Union, New Jersey. "She wasn't going to go because she had a headache, but she went anyway. She called me afterward to say her headache went away as soon as she stood in front of the statue."

"It's true," said Denise Martin of Lititz, Pennsylvania. "I was there. That statue is so lifelike its eyes seem to follow you around, just like this picture of Jesus we have in our living room."

Ms. Martin, who is visiting New York with her high school marching band, said she had returned to Madame Tussauds so she could have her picture taken with Ms. Lohan's likeness.

"My girlfriend Rachel had her picture taken with Lindsay yesterday," said Ms. Martin, "and last night her boyfriend called her to say he found the earring post she lost in his car."

Teenagers were not the only ones who hoped to benefit from being in Ms. Lohan's presence. Mindy Diaz, 22, of Queens said she had come to Madame Tussauds instead of going to work today because she needs help making an important decision.

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"I'm thinking about new hair extensions," said Ms. Diaz, "and I want to get Lindsay's opinion."

When a reporter for The New York Times suggested that perhaps Ms. Diaz should get a cosmetologist's opinion, Ms. Diaz replied, "What for? A friend who never plays the instant lottery decided to buy a ticket on her way home from [Madame Tussauds] yesterday. She won $5. That says it all."

Vincent McShay, director of new exhibits at Madame Tussauds, said he generally expects a few persons "to be emotionally influenced" when a new wax figure is introduced, but the response to the Lindsay Lohan exhibit is extraordinary.

"When we unveiled the Paris Hilton figure, for example," said Mr. McShay, "one or two persons e-mailed afterward to say they had discovered they had herpes, but that was nothing like this response.

"We're grateful for the additional business," Mr. McShay said, "but we hope people understand that a visit to Madame Tussauds is not a substitute for seeing their physician."

In other news, a child advocacy group has filed a restraining order on behalf of Sean Preston Spears. The order seeks to keep his mother, Britney Spears, from coming within ten feet of the infant unless she is properly supervised by an adult who is not a member of her family.


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The Gift of GAB
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