You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Don Imus to Star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain
Apr 14, 2007, 10:44
LOS ANGELES - Former on-air personality Don Imus has been tipped to star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain, the story of a radio talk show host of the same name who is run out of a small Western town after he mocks the sheriff's handicapped daughter during a live remote from the town's annual chili cookoff.
After tasting some of the crippled young woman's chili, Talkback, who is played by Mr. Imus, remarks, "I'll bet that gimp don't eat this shit because if she did, she'd be up and running in no time, withered legs or not—and while we're on the subject, do you think she can put those legs behind her head?"
These remarks cost Talkback his job, his marriage—to a wooden Katie Holmes—and his sobriety; but just when he appears to be headed for boot hill, he meets a gay Scientologist, played by Tom Cruise, at a comfort station near the Grand Canyon.
That chance meeting turns Talkback around in more ways than one, and before you can say, "Ouch, that hurts," he is the host of "Scientology in the Morning," a call-in show on KASS in Los Angeles.
"Talkback Mountain, like Scientology, is all about redemption," said Mr. Cruise. "Who among us hasn't said or done something in public that he regrets? Let him who doesn't have a skeleton in his closet throw the first stone."
Correction: Yesterday we reported that Los Angeles Lakers forward Luke Walton was doing the nasty with pop psycho Britney Spears. We have since learned that Mr. Walton has been hitting Ms. Spears' cousin Alli, not Ms. Spears. If this error caused any harm to the reputations of any of these parties, we don't really give a shit.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
