You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Angelina Jolie Makes Brad Pitt Her Bitch
Apr 16, 2006, 09:12
NAMIBIA - Unable to convince Angelina Jolie to become his wife, Brad Pitt has settled for becoming her bitch instead. Mr. Pitt's transformation from leading man to nanny began on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith nearly two years ago, according to friends of the couple.
"It's been a gradual process," said one friend, "but nobody who knows them was really surprised when Brad came out in a Mohawk like Maddox [Ms. Jolie's four-year-old adopted son, whom Mr. Pitt adopted too.] Brad's her bitch, and he knows it."
If Mr. Pitt is troubled by such talk, he doesn't let on.
"I love the woman," Mr. Pitt, 42, told an NBC (Namibian Broadcasting Company) reporter. "She completes me. When she said she didn't want to get married, I asked her if she would at least give me a haircut like the one she gives Maddie. I want her to love me the way she loves him."
In addition to his new haircut, Mr. Pitt has a tattoo, his first, a Buddhist prayer etched on his lower back.
"It's just like the one Angie has on her shoulder," said Mr. Pitt excitedly. "It will protect Maddie from harm. I was so thrilled when Angie said I could get a tattoo like hers, though I was hoping she would let me get it on my shoulder like she has."
Mr. Pitt was also eager to correct the record about Ms. Jolie's decision to have their biological baby in Africa.
"I totally supported the idea," he said. "I don't know how the rumors got started that I didn't want to come here because of the prevalence of AIDS, tuberculosis, and other diseases—not to mention the high risk of kidnapping. I'd feel safe no matter where I was with Angie. Besides, she told me that our baby should be born in Africa because it's the cradle of civilization."
Mr. Pitt said he didn't care where Ms. Jolie, 30, wanted to have their baby, as long as she allows him to change its diapers as he does for her adopted daughter, Zahara, 1.
"You know what they say about the hand that rocks the cradle," said Mr. Pitt.
In other news, the Detroit city council will meet in an emergency session tomorrow to consider a proposal to change the name of 8 Mile Road to 12.9 Kilometer Road in an effort to lessen the violence along that notorious thoroughfare.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
