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Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup
Apr 20, 2006, 07:32
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as "Bush's brain," was told he would not be allowed to make policy decisions any longer.
Today Mr. Bush is expected to announce an even more explosive change: Vice President Dick Cheney will no longer function as this country's de facto president.
"This means, in effect, that the boss is ready to be the boss," said a White House insider. "From here on out, when somebody says, 'The president thinks . . .,' that person won't be talking about Dick Cheney."
Mr. Bush's moves are seen as a risky, yet cunning, effort to take a sad song and make it better, said Hardball's Chris Matthews.
Not even the president's dog is safe in sweeping White House shakeup.
"By announcing very publicly that Karl and now Dick won't be calling the shots any longer, the president reinforces the notion that he's been their tool. By the same token, relieving these men of their decision-making privileges strongly implies that Bush is not responsible for the mess this country's in. What he's saying, in effect, is: 'Even I can do a better job than these fools.'"
"We'll see a stronger, more confident, more articulate President Bush now that he doesn't have to trip over the words that others put in his mouth," declared official presidential sycophant Fred Barnes, author of Rebel in Chief.
Although Vice President Cheney's demotion is the biggest bang in the White House re-creation, it is not expected to be the last. Sources close to the president say that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be the next person to be demoted. Those sources hint that Ms. Rice will asked to focus more on her secretarial duties and less on setting foreign policy.
"The only person whose position is secure is god," said a White House insider. "In fact, now that Dick and Karl have been demoted, you can expect to hear more about god's involvement in presidential decisions.
In other news, Aruban prosecutors have asked permission to speak to Duke lacrosse players Reade Seligmann, 20, and Collin Finnerty, 19, about the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
