You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Microsoft Offers Windows Vista Free to Good Homes
Apr 22, 2007, 10:32
REDMOND, Wash. - Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, "free to good homes."
An official at Microsoft said the company had decided to take this unprecedented step because there are too many copies of Vista upgrades getting underfoot and running up boarding fees in warehouses across the country.
"Vista has outgrown that cute little puppy stage," said the official. "Lots of people want an operating system when it's a puppy, and we had no trouble selling Vista upgrades in the weeks following its January 30 debut; but once an operating system hits that gangly stage and its flaws become noticeable, consumers lose interest."
Indeed, many consumers prefer to acquire an adult operating system, one that's already been altered and housebroken, rather than go through the hassle of raising and training a new operating system. That's why computer giant Dell has begun allowing customers to choose between Windows Vista or its predecessor, Windows XP, when they buy a new computer.
The first Vista free-to-good-homes ads are expected to appear on websites and bulletin boards—as well as in chatrooms and forums—around the Internet this week. A source at Microsoft cautions, however, that consumers should not expect to do "whatever they damn well please with Vista" simply because the operating system is being given away.
"There will still be a one-installation-per-owner restriction enforced," said the source, "and the usual activation requirements will be in effect. Furthermore, free copies of Vista cannot be used for commercial purposes or copied and given away to others."
Those and other requirements, Microsoft believes, "are a small price to pay for obtaining an authentic copy of Windows Vista that is current on all its immunizations and will make a great companion for years to come."
In related news, Microsoft's decision to give Vista away was greeted with scorn from many computer industry insiders.
"Once again Microsoft is playing catch up," wrote PC Age. "Linux has been giving away operating systems—and far more stable ones—for years."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
