Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
According to ancient Nambiian custom, said Mr. Pitt, fathers carry their wives' adopted daughters through airports.
NAMIBIA - Brad Pitt told reporters in a conference call last weekend that he is not Angelina Jolie's "or anyone else's" bitch. Mr. Pitt's firm denial came after speculation had grown that his new Mohawk hair cut and recently acquired tattoo, his first, were evidence that Ms. Jolie had made him her bitch.
"This sort of character assassination is the reason Angie told me we were moving to Namibia in the first place," said Mr. Pitt. "I can assure you it was my idea to get my hair cut like Maddie's [Ms. Jolie's four-year-old adopted son, Maddox, whom Mr. Pitt adopted too.] Nobody tells Brad Pitt how to cut his hair—or what color it should be for that matter.
"Furthermore," said Mr. Pitt, "this style is not a Mohawk. If you knew anything about Namibian culture, which Angie does, you would know that this is a tribal warrior's brush."
Mr. Pitt's close friend George Clooney seconded the notion that Mr. Pitt is not Ms. Jolie's bitch.
"Brad's been his own bitch for as long as I've known him," said Mr. Clooney. "Sure, it's looked at times as if he was morphing into his latest squeeze—Gwyneth, Jennifer, Angelina—but he always did so of his own accord, not because anyone told him to."
Artist's rendering of Angelina Jolie with young baby.
Mr. Pitt also informed reporters that getting a tattoo was his idea.
"I had always wanted tattoos, lots of them, in fact," said Mr. Pitt, "but my ex-wife [Jennifer Aniston] didn't want tattoos. She was always too busy worrying about her career whenever I suggested we try to get a tattoo together."
Mr. Pitt spoke to reporters from the heavily guarded encampment he shares with Ms. Jolie, who will deliver their first biological child next month. The Namibian government has set up police security checkpoints to prevent anyone from traveling within ten miles of the encampment. The government has also forbidden anyone from taking pictures of Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie without their consent.
South Africa's Sunday Times reported yesterday that its photographer and three French photographers were ordered to leave Namibia or face arrest. Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula defended this action.
"Ms. Jolie believes that photographing a pregnant woman defiles the spirit of the child she is carrying," said Mr. Angula. "We here in Namibia no longer hold that belief, but we respect a person's right to privacy."
Next Oprah: Make Him Your Bitch in Three Easy Steps
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
