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According to ancient Nambiian custom, said Mr. Pitt, fathers carry their wives' adopted daughters through airports.
NAMIBIA - Brad Pitt told reporters in a conference call last weekend that he is not Angelina Jolie's "or anyone else's" bitch. Mr. Pitt's firm denial came after speculation had grown that his new Mohawk hair cut and recently acquired tattoo, his first, were evidence that Ms. Jolie had made him her bitch.
"This sort of character assassination is the reason Angie told me we were moving to Namibia in the first place," said Mr. Pitt. "I can assure you it was my idea to get my hair cut like Maddie's [Ms. Jolie's four-year-old adopted son, Maddox, whom Mr. Pitt adopted too.] Nobody tells Brad Pitt how to cut his hair—or what color it should be for that matter.
"Furthermore," said Mr. Pitt, "this style is not a Mohawk. If you knew anything about Namibian culture, which Angie does, you would know that this is a tribal warrior's brush."
Mr. Pitt's close friend George Clooney seconded the notion that Mr. Pitt is not Ms. Jolie's bitch.
"Brad's been his own bitch for as long as I've known him," said Mr. Clooney. "Sure, it's looked at times as if he was morphing into his latest squeeze—Gwyneth, Jennifer, Angelina—but he always did so of his own accord, not because anyone told him to."
Artist's rendering of Angelina Jolie with young baby.
Mr. Pitt also informed reporters that getting a tattoo was his idea.
"I had always wanted tattoos, lots of them, in fact," said Mr. Pitt, "but my ex-wife [Jennifer Aniston] didn't want tattoos. She was always too busy worrying about her career whenever I suggested we try to get a tattoo together."
Mr. Pitt spoke to reporters from the heavily guarded encampment he shares with Ms. Jolie, who will deliver their first biological child next month. The Namibian government has set up police security checkpoints to prevent anyone from traveling within ten miles of the encampment. The government has also forbidden anyone from taking pictures of Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie without their consent.
South Africa's Sunday Times reported yesterday that its photographer and three French photographers were ordered to leave Namibia or face arrest. Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula defended this action.
"Ms. Jolie believes that photographing a pregnant woman defiles the spirit of the child she is carrying," said Mr. Angula. "We here in Namibia no longer hold that belief, but we respect a person's right to privacy."
Next Oprah: Make Him Your Bitch in Three Easy Steps
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
