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Hugh Grant, Richard Gere, Alec Baldwin Make Apologies | BBQ Update
Apr 27, 2007, 08:48
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Now that Hugh Grant, Richard Gere, and Alec Baldwin find themselves in the uncomfortable position of having their dicks in a wringer because of their recent actions, they have begun shoveling out apologies in every direction, hoping to bury their misdeeds beneath a flurry of calculated contriteness.
Mr. Grant, who was arrested for attacking a photographer with a tub of baked beans, took out full-page ads that appeared in several London newspapers this morning.
"In the event that my actions, for which I alone claim responsibility, have caused undue grief to anyone involved in the manufacture, production, or consumption of baked beans, let me assure them that I meant no disrespect to this stalwart foodstuff. I have enjoyed a long, hearty, and sometimes audible relationship with baked beans, and I look forward to continuing that relationship in the future."
Mr. Grant, who included a mockup of the cover of The Who Sell Out in his advert, also announced that he will be making the rounds of talk shows beginning with, but not limited to, the Jonathan Ross, Michael Parkinson, and Graham Norton programs.
Richard Gere, who kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS-awareness rally last week, issued a novel apology yesterday after a warrant had been signed for his arrest. Mr. Gere's apology sought to exploit a loophole in Indian law, which forbids public displays of affection involving heterosexual couples.
"I sincerely apologize for not acknowledging my sexual preference earlier," said Mr. Gere, speaking via satellite hookup to a training class of technical support personnel at Microsoft's New Delhi campus. "I am not ashamed to say that I am gay and that, as a consequence, I have done nothing illegal under Indian law. My only shame arises from the knowledge that my silence may have caused other men to hide their true feelings."
Alec Baldwin, ever the free spirit, will appear on The View today dressed as the Verizon Man to apologize for using up several of his daughter's anytime minutes to leave her an insulting voice mail message when she did not "honor her moral commitment" to take his call as they had arranged.
According to THEM Weekly, which obtained a transcript of the show, Mr. Baldwin told The View's co-hosts, Barbara Walters and Rosie O'Donnell, "I understand how important anytime minutes are to vapid little girls who spend all their time talking shit to their friends on their cell phones. If I have in any way curtailed that earth-shaking transfer of information, I apologize."
Mr. Baldwin, in a deft use of the kill-the-messenger ploy much loved by apologists, then berated "the tabloid reporter whores," whom he blames for the frenzy that followed the release of the tape of the phone message in which he berated his daughter.
"People in the tabloid media are themselves people who are abused and are people who are living with shameful secrets," Mr. Baldwin said. "They make it their career to humiliate you and expose your secrets. They are the real thoughtless little pigs."
Update: Authorities were left with no choice but to drop all charges against Hugh Grant after the evidence in his case had disappeared. It seems the tub of beans were eaten during a Scotland Yard picnic last weekend, along with a three BBQ chickens, a kilo of cole slaw, and three dozen biscuits.
"Because most of our top agents were on undercover assignment at a pig roast," said a source within The Yard, "those baked beans disappeared right underneath our noses."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
