You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Alec Baldwin Heads DC Madam's Client List
May 1, 2007, 08:27
"I didn't do anything wrong. I was just looking for a place to hang my hat."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Choleric actor Alec Baldwin heads the list of DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey's, clients. This according to a source at ABC News, which plans to have Barbara Walters and Rosie O'Donnell read every name on the 10,000-name list on a special, three-hour edition of The View this Friday.
Ms. Palfrey, 50, who bears a disquieting resemblance to Roseanna Barr, has been indicted for running a prostitution ring. She maintains, however, that she was operating a legitimate escort service.
Ms. Palfrey's clients paid $300 for ninety minutes' worth of "legitimate, high-end, erotic fantasy service," she told reporters yesterday, explaining that it was "perfectly legal to pay a woman to come to your home, get naked, and give you a massage—as long as you stay on your stomach while she's doing you. I mean 'doing it.'"
A member of Ms. Palfrey's high-end legal defense team confirmed the existence of several voice mail messages left by Mr. Baldwin at the offices of Pamela Martin and Associates, the nom de pussy under which Ms. Palfrey operated.
For some bizarre reason Washington's power elite favored the Roseanne Barr fantasy.
The defense-team member would not divulge the entire contents of Mr. Baldwin's messages but did reveal that Mr. Baldwin had requested two escorts who should resemble his ex-wife Kim Bassinger and their daughter, Ireland, "as much as humanly possible."
Later, said the defense-team member, "Mr. Baldwin left Ms. Palfrey an irate voice mail in which he threatened to 'fly out there and straighten your asses out because the bitch playing my daughter behaved like a rude little pig.'"
In related news, a spokesman for Dick Cheney denied that the vice president is under investigation for rolling over during his message and "accidentally" shooting one of Deborah Jeane Palfrey's escorts in the face.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
