You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Microsoft to Begin Shipping Windows Linux Ubuntu
May 3, 2007, 09:39
REDMOND, Wash. - Software giant Microsoft announced yesterday that it will begin shipping its newest operating system, Windows Linux Ubuntu, by the end of this month. Computers sold with this free, open-source operating system pre-installed will cost, on average, $149.95 fewer than computers sold with Windows Vista Service Pack 9 pre-installed.
Microsoft's announcement caught computer-industry analysts by surprise.
"We're normally used to waiting three or four years and two or three delays before Microsoft releases a new operating system," said Louis Chuptka of PC Age magazine. "For Microsoft to release a new operating system before hackers have exposed all the vulnerabilities in the previous one is a revolutionary step."
To Microsoft, however, the decision was a no-brainer.
"Since Linux operating systems run on open-source code, anybody is free to adapt and use that code," said Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates. "Therefore, we took the things that Linux is good at, coming up with catchy names and creating a virus-resistant operating kernel, and combined them with things that Windows is good at, like recognizing common software applications and getting a printer to work, and voila—Windows Linux Ubuntu."
Mr. Gates did acknowledge that "the jury is still out" regarding the question of appropriating the name of an open-source operating system, viz. Ubuntu.
"Frankly," he said, "our legal team did not feel that Canonical, the company that purports to own Ubuntu, had done a good enough job of establishing its brand.
"In addition to Ubuntu, Canonical also produces Kubuntu, Edubuntu, Xubuntu, and Louie-Louie-Buntu. Obviously, a company that creates such branding confusion will have trouble prevailing in a court of law against another, more powerful company that wants to use a portion of the Ubuntu name as well as its primary code—especially if that more powerful company can afford to litigate the smaller company's dick into the dirt."
In related news, throwing what appeared to be a legal bone to Canonical, Microsoft announced it would not retain the "cutesy" names Ubuntu gives to its various distributions. Therefore, Dapper Drake will now be known as "Dirty Dan"; Edgy Eft will become "Easy Ellen"; and Feisty Fawn, the latest Ubuntu distro, will be called "Friggin' Flipper."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
