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Britney Spears Pregnancy Test Update
May 6, 2005, 13:59
OTTAWA - The infamous Britney Spears pregnancy test, on which she received a disappointing 6.7 for execution and a mere 7.5 for degree of difficulty, may be a fraud, says Canadian Surgeon General Gordon McCullough. Speaking last night on Canada's popular news program The Mountie Hour, McCullough told the show's host, Gordon McClainne, that dipsticks floating in half empty glasses of beer, as Spears' was, are "way difficult" to authenticate, compared, say, to dipsticks floating in nonalcoholic beverages.
"Thank god it wasn't found in a half-eaten salad, eh?" laughed McCullough. "Those puppies are nearly impossible to authenticate after a good vinaigrette's had its way with them."
The authenticity factor may account for the lackluster $5,001 (US) that Spears' test commanded on eBay. In fact, said a source close to the auction, the buyer, an online casino called GoldenPalace.com, was prepared to go much higher.
"We thought five figures at least on this one," said Monty Kerr, a GoldenPalace.com spokesman. "Perhaps the market on Britney Spears memorabilia—like this pregnancy test—has been saturated. We had to go $12,501 for an egg timer of hers just last month. We understand Britney got a false negative from the egg timer; that's why she initially denied being pregnant."
The seller of Spears' pregnancy test is the Morning Hot Tub show "with Mauler, Rush, Laura and Josie," which airs on Canadian radio station The New Hot 89.9 in Ottawa, the nation's capital. According to Josie, the pretty one, Spears' test was retrieved from the garbage outside a Los Angeles hotel room in which the Oops! Girl had been staying. Josie would not comment on the identity of the retriever, except to say, "It was an inside job, and he did remember to wash his hands afterwards."
Mauler, the goofy one, said the Morning Hot Tub had obtained the pregnancy test, "a dipstick immersed partway in urine, actually," from the inside source for "a bag of really inferior weed and an autographed Celine Dion poster."
"It was a buyers market," added Rush, the least nondescript one. "Obviously the test, much like Britney, wasn't in out-of-the-box condition, and we knew that would impact its eBay value negatively."
In other news, the towel worn by Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks when she returned in disgrace to the hostile town of Duluth, Georgia, last weekend, failed to meet its reserve price of $50 on eBay after three days at auction. The seller of the towel, who is identified only as "hispanicman.0505," withdrew the item, saying he planned to cut it into four equal parts and use it "for dusting around the house."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
