You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Paris Hilton Begs President Bush for Pardon
May 6, 2007, 11:18
LOS ANGELES - A desperate Paris Hilton has faxed a personal request to President George W. Bush, asking him to set aside her jail sentence "for the sake of all the poor, less fortunate people in our country."
The twenty-six-year-old celebrity was ordered by a Los Angeles judge on Friday to do forty-five days hard time after she had been convicted of violating the terms of her drunk-driving probation by operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license.
"First, way to go on your selection to the presidency," wrote Ms. Hilton in a fax sent to the White House from the VIP room of The Ivy restaurant Friday evening. "I know the judges made the right decision in picking you. Even though I didn't get to see you perform, you must have been hot.
"Your presidency," Ms. Hilton continued, "people with our talents and abilities serve the country best by continuing to provide entertainment for people. What good would it do to lock me up for forty-five days when I could spend that time providing entertainment and employment opportunities to less fortunate people who have to work for a living?"
Ms. Hilton further argued that requiring her to report to jail with only a month's notice amounted to "rude and unusual" punishment.
"Although our paths have never met," said Ms. Hilton, "you don't look like the kind of guy who would snatch people up and send them to prison without hardly any notice. I have club appearances, shopping trips, and doctors appointments scheduled months in advance. Canceling them at this late date would be a heartship to the DJs, merchants, and all the other unfortunate working people who depend on me for a livinghood."
The decider in chief has a tough decision to make.
Ms. Hilton closed by suggesting that instead of going to jail she "could do 'immunity' service, like making a hot video warning kids about the dangers of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases)." She also offered to send Mr. Bush a Simple Life T-shirt and a copy of her One Night in Paris video. Finally, she invited him to appear on Simple Life anytime he wanted to.
The president did not respond to voice and email messages left for him yesterday, but a source at the White House said there was "little chance" that Mr. Bush will pardon Ms. Hilton.
"First," said the source, "it would be a shot to the shorts of his conservative base—almost as bad as nominating Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court or not doing enough to hunt down illegal aliens. Second, Ms. Hilton's approval ratings are lower than the president's, so what would he gain by pardoning her—or Vice president Cheney for that matter?"
Conservative political analyst and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan disagreed.
"Pardoning that bimbo, no matter how unpopular it might be, would provide a welcome distraction for the president," wrote Mr. Buchanan in an editorial that appeared on The American Conservative magazine website. "Sure, it might bring down a firestorm of criticism; but as long as people were debating the wisdom of this move, reports of continuing deaths in Iraq would be muscled off the front page."
Next Oprah: Did Paris Hilton Get a Light Sentence Because She's White?
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
