You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Paris Hilton Fires Publicist, Astrologer, Chef
May 7, 2007, 08:51
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. The twenty-six year-old socialite fired her publicist, her astrologer, and her chef yesterday in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, "I'm going to start paying attention to everything from now on."
At a hearing last Friday, Ms. Hilton testified that she was unaware when police stopped her for driving without headlights on February 27 that her driving privileges had been "like totally" suspended.
"I was aware my license was suspended in November because my newspaper clipping service told me about it," said Ms. Hilton. "When I called my publicist (Elliot Mintz) to ask if this meant I couldn't drive any more, he said I could drive again after thirty days, as long as I drove only at night and only with the headlights off. I relied on that advice, and look where it got me."
Mr. Mintz was not available for comment, but a receptionist in his office said, "Obviously Elliot was joking. Duh. Anybody who would believe that would believe Vitamin-C enemas can cure herpes."
Ms. Hilton also announced she was firing her hotline astrologer, Guru Shri Rupinder Magoo, with whom she has been working since the first of the year. The guru is gone because he told Ms. Hilton that February 27 was a good day to take a drive, "especially with the stars as your guide."
According to Ms. Hilton, she had used a twenty-four-hour astrology-hotline service in Los Angeles for several years, but as of January 1 the hotline's telephone center had been moved to New Delhi.
"It's impossible to understand what those people are saying," Ms. Hilton complained. "Why don't they learn to speak English if they're going to charge $200 an hour for advice?"
After Ms. Hilton had announced the firings of Mr. Mintz and Mr. Magoo, she told reporters she was letting her personal chef go also.
Unlike the other sackings, this one was not related to drive-by advice. Apparently the chef had a heavy hand with truffle oil, and he refused to prepare tuna any way but rare, telling Ms. Hilton during one heated exchange, "You might as well eat cat food straight out of the can as to eat tuna cooked medium."
Next Oprah: Stop Taking Orders from Your Chef
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
