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Sting, Police Clash over Klaus Harmony Songs
May 12, 2007, 11:14
Trudie Styler (left) and Sting.
VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Sting and his band mates in The Police have clashed angrily over the presentation of a pair of Klaus Harmony songs on the band's upcoming tour, scheduled to begin here on May 28 if attorneys for band members are able to sort out their clients' differences by then.
According to Police guitarist, Andy Summers, the current trouble began when members of the trio, who have been sequestered in different hotels during tour rehearsals, met via satellite hookup to select the Klaus Harmony compositions they would play on tour. Mr. Harmony, known as the "Mozart of Porn," was a pop star and, later, celebrated composer of scores for erotic films who died mysteriously in London in 1984 at the age of forty-three.
"Before me and Stewart (Copeland, Police drummer) could even present our selections," said Mr. Summers, "Sting was already telling us the best way to stage the pieces he had chosen. It was 1982 all over again."
To make matters worse, added Mr. Copeland, Sting informed the band that he wanted to play "his" Klaus Harmony works as solo compositions adapted for the lute, while a slide show of him and his wife Trudie Styler, engaging in tantric sex, is projected on large monitors above the stage.
"I said to myself, 'Who wants to see a pair of wrinkled geesers having it off on a screen large enough to make their pores look like craters on the moon?'" said Mr. Copeland. "Besides, if Gordon (Sting's Christian first name) gets a solo, then Andy and I get one. That's right in our contracts."
An attorney for one of the band members, speaking off the record, said he hoped an out-of-court settlement could be reached in time to allow the tour to begin on schedule.
In other news, singer Sheryl Crow has adopted a two-week-old baby whom she plans to limit to one diaper change per day in the interest of fighting global warming.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
