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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Tom Cruise to Remake Mork and Mindy!
May 13, 2006, 08:08
HOLLYWOOD - This special report on Tom Cruise' plans to star with Katie Holmes in a remake of Mork and Mindy was filed by our favorite blogger/fashionista/emerging novelist—DistressedJeans. DJ is currently on hiatus from her wildly popular More Conversations About Famous People while she writes a novel, does volunteer work, takes care of two kids and two dogs, gets manicures and spa treatments, goes to movie premieres, hangs out with A-listers, and concentrates on two other blogs—More Conversations About Fashion and Conversations with Famous Writers.
Tom Cruise is trying to keep it under wraps, but we have learned from a "special correspondent" living on the 500-acre desert ranch/ L. Ron Hubbard shrine/crazy house that Mr. Cruise himself is producing, directing, and starring in a remake of the hit television show, Mork and Mindy.
"Tom has been searching for a movie where he and Katie can work together. He's found the perfect vehicle for he and his bride," a source is quoted as saying. No word whether or not young Suri will co-star along her inter-galactic, space traveling, alien loving parents.
"Tom is passionate about the remake of this classic sitcom," continues the source, who is anxious to talk. "Tom plans on incorporating all he has learned about Dianetics into the film and is in negotiations with former sitcom star Alf to play Xenu. He's really excited—no, he's pumped up about it!"
Mr. Cruise thinks this film, Mork and Mindy and Elron, will polish his rapidly tarnishing gold crown. Whereas once he was king of the box office, he's now court jester of Beverly Hills. He has all but lost his box office mojo due to his erratic behavior, frequent all nighters at the Scientology Center eating Entenmann's™ snack cakes with Kirstie Alley, and telling everyone about his mother ship, which includes a custom espresso machine and a soft ice cream dispenser.
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By the way, Katie is forbidden to eat not only ice cream (soft and hard), but also white bread, sugar, and potato chips. Tom feels the crunching of the chips will irritate Suri's small ears, puncturing the ear canal and damaging her delicate drums.
"He is confident that Suri can smell sugar and Katie consuming candy bars and chewing gum will adversely affect Suri and cause her gross weight gain in the future," says a disgruntled chauffeur who used to drive Tom to and from his "special meetings" at the cuckoo club house. The chauffeur is mainly annoyed because Tom, on many occasions, tried to clamp an emeter on the driver's thigh and attempt to measure how many aliens were taking up residence in his body. True story.
Mork and Mindy will begin production this fall after Katie has lost the baby weight. Tom was so thoughtful—he hired a personal trainer to whip her ass into shape before they exchange not only their vows but also signed contracts, which state the marriage will last five years but not exceed ten. He also gave her a bottle of Flintstone™ chewables and suggested she take one a day to cure her postpartum depression. Unfortunately, the only thing that will cure her ailments is breaking up with his Royal Freakness and getting rid of the ghost of Xenu who has taken up residence in Tom's king sized bed.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
