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President Bush Sending Jehovah's Witnesses to Patrol Border
May 16, 2006, 08:40
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush said last night that he will deploy 8,000 Spanish-speaking Jehovah's Witnesses to the Mexican border to help stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States.
Acknowledging that this country has virtually no control of its southern border, Mr. Bush argued in a prime time speech to the nation from the Oval Office that hyper-aggressive Jehovah's Witnesses will provide the kind of safeguard many Americans demand.
"If you've ever been visited by Jehovah's Witnesses when you were trying to watch a football game on a Saturday afternoon, you know how persistent these folks can be," said the president, "and you know the lengths that people will go to to avoid them. I am confident that persons who try to sneak into this country will think twice about it once they've been obliged to spend a little face time with two or three Jehovah's Witnesses."
Under the terms of the president's initiative, known as Operation Watchtower, Jehovah's Witnesses will not patrol the border, nor will they carry arms. Instead, they will assist with surveillance, and they will be given a chance to "counsel with" any persons captured trying to enter this country illegally.
"I'm positive I heard people talking inside as we came to the door."
President Bush appeared pleased to note that members of Jehovah's Witnesses make up "roughly 1.25 percent" of Mexico's population. In October 2002, he said, a Jehovah's Witnesses rally drew ninety thousand people to Mexico City's Aztec Stadium (Estadio Azteca) in a three-day celebration of their faith.
"Accordingly," said President Bush, "I will call on Mexican president, Vincente Fox, to deploy Mexican Jehovah's Witnesses to the Mexican side of the border to assist us in Operation Watchtower."
President Fox's reaction to Mr. Bush's request was less than cordial.
"It flies in the face of separation of church and state," said Mr. Fox this morning. "I suggest the United States adopt our program for dealing with illegal workers who enter Mexico."
Mexican police routinely abuse, shake down, rape, and occasionally murder illegal immigrants from Central and South America who come to Mexico seeking a better life.
In other news, atheists have joined Catholics and Muslims around the world in protesting the release of The Da Vinci Code.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
